ONLY YOU know that messing with people on their own property is not a clever thing.
ONLY YOU know that woods are scary places.
ONLY YOU can prevent getting yourself killed by savage mountain men. Let The Institute of Gory Movie Hazard Pointing Out and their mascot Pepper Bear guide you through the do’s and do not do’s of woodsmanship.
#1 KNOW WHAT’S AHEAD
Consider the example set out by the informative movie “Wrong Turn”. A doctor is on his way to an appointment when his way is blocked by a traffic snarl-up. He decides to try another way around – and makes a…WRONG TURN! Whilst travelling down a stretch of country lane, he accidentally crashes into another vehicle, which has also made a…WRONG TURN! Their tyres have been punctured by some seemingly misplaced razor wire.
The good doctor teams up with the 5 folks who were travelling in said vehicle, and they go looking for assistance. Of course, seeing as they have made a….yup…they do not find help. They find a shack full of suspiciously sharp items and human remains. Soon a band of mutated, backwater freaks are hunting them down.
Pepper Bear says: If these young ‘uns had remained on the proper, signposted routes recommended by the fair country of America, then they would not have encountered any peril. But we would also have been denied an enjoyably old-fashioned movie based around their attempts at survival.
#2 KNOW YOUR FRIENDS
Now, when you embark on any kind of trip, you want to be certain the people you take along are going to be adept at their relevant talents. Take Elisa Dushku for example – trustworthy due to the range shown in Angel, Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Tru calling. She’s ass-kicking when it is required, and can convey emotion well. She’s also easy on the eye, which makes her a good lead person. Desmond Harrington plays the doctor in a straightforward manner – and may not be winning any awards any time soon. He’s good enough in a tight corner, though. Jeremy Sisto can always be trusted when faced with horror, and does not disappoint. The supporting players are important but none are too memorable.
Pepper Bear says: It does not pay to forget members of your party – but when they are merely filling the roles of ‘fodder’ they will become memorable for other reasons…
#3 EFFECTS AFFECT PEOPLE
All trips have things that stand out in your mind – and if you notice a tatty prosthetic then it can ruin your whole journey. It is recommended that Stan Winston be brought in to supervise any usage of physical effects in the woods. With Mr Winston on board, special effects are suitably realistic. Mountain men may be an unknown quantity in the UK but you will certainly remember them.
The gore quotient in the woods can rise quite high, and have a particularly nasty effect on those with weak dispositions. Even those with cast iron stomachs – like Pepper Bear – will have trouble watching limbs being sawn off, people’s heads being cleaved in two and dismembered corpses lying prostate on dirty tables. Keep this in mind before heading out, and avoid if you feel this is not where you want your trip to head.
Pepper Bear says: Prescribed gore can be entertaining and make your toes curl up in terror as you experience it. But prescribed gore can seem very shocking, especially when you are used to sanitised horror. Be prepared! Do not eat whilst experiencing this! And if you are Pepper Bear’s girlfriend, do not kick him when you jump at scary parts!
#4 AVOID MOUNTAIN MEN
Mountain men are savage brutes who enjoy killing for sport and food. They have no morals and no respect for anything. You may be disturbed if you happen to become trapped in their shack as they dismember your friends. You may also look like a crappy CGI effect if a camera should happen to zoom in through a keyhole and right close to your eyeball. Such a minor concern does not affect an entire trip, but it might make you go “hmmm…rubbish!”
Mountain men will stalk you through various set pieces if you allow them – you may not see them at first, but should you encounter one they are not pretty. They have a range of booby traps and weaponry to take out any persons who encroach on their territory. Some may seem to get their comeuppance at times, but it is likely that these freakishly strong brutes will keep on trying to lacerate people. It is common for this to happen – but they only do what others have done before them. You may see this as hokey, but there is little you can do about it.
Pepper Bear says: Having humans – even mutated ones – be the ones supplying shockingly brutal violence can be scarier and more enjoyable than seeing haggard ghosts walk in stutter-motion down corridors. It’s a throwback to the 70’s perhaps – but still effective and well done.
#5 OBEY FORMULA RULES
You can always rely on the tried and tested rules that have served others well in avoiding peril. Try stupid heroics if all seems lost – and always try to turn the tables on your foes. You may discover that you are not unlike your adversaries if a final conflict in a fiery barn should ensue. It may be a lesson you have learned before from watching other tales about people in danger – but it is not one to be ignored.
That said, not too many lessons can be learned from a trip which involves a lot of running away from people who have the home field advantage. You may be able to find shelter in a watchtower, for example, but it is likely that this will end badly. A watchtower is a good place to visit when your party has become reduced in numbers, but may end up in a tense chase through the treetops.
Please try to take advice (and guns) from folks wherever possible.
Pepper Bear says: Formulaic is not always a bad thing. It wasn’t in the case of “Wrong Turn”, which does well to stay true to the spirit of 70’s gore movies whilst never feeling like a rip off.
#6 – STAY SAFE!
In the end, you know what works and what does not. You know what you like. Encountering mountain men can be thrilling, tense, scary and gory – and as long as you keep your head (or any other vital organs) then a trip to the woods is well recommended. Your intelligence will not be insulted, and whilst occasional CGI camera flourishes are distracting, your trip will be an enjoyable one.
It is especially tense for conducting a lot of nasty business in broad daylight – increasing the horror by giving it more reality than more shadowy examples. To know you are not safe at any time is an unsettling feeling to say the least.
Pepper Bear says: If you are lucky enough, you can purchase a video based on the events outlined herein from just £5 from your local market. Otherwise the regular outlets will be able to sell you one for around £9.99 upwards.
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very helpful![Wrong Turn [2003]](http://picnic.ciao.com/uk/65504776.jpg)
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