(Please note: This is a film - or Pay Per View - only review. Thanks!)

Although very much a 1990’s fad, wrestling is still a programme I actively choose to watch. It might be because I have nothing better to do or have been hit too many times in the head myself over the years but World Wrestling Entertainment is something that I fear I’ll always be addicted to, whether mildly or forcefully.

My wrestling sabbatical lasted from late 1998 until the summer of 2002 so I did indefinitely miss the golden era of the sport, although I’ve since watched countless DVDs and videos to get ‘up to date’ on all of the fabulous occurrences. It was about that time when you’d see kids wondering about the playground with their little WWF – as it was known back then – lunch boxes, pencil cases and attitudes. I remember in Primary School how so many of the boys pretended they were the next Stone Cold Steve Austin, stunning their ‘opponents’ into oblivion or Triple H, crotch chopping their way through obscenities to fit in with one of the companies premier factions, D Generation X. Both Austin and Triple H are key figures on the pay per view Survivor Series 2003; for one of the men, they’d be fighting for their Championship, the other fighting for their career. Which is which man’s poison will be revealed a little later on.

However, back to 2003 and it was very much the time when wrestling was on a slippery slope; whether it was for me personally because I’d enjoyed my revival of wrestling for a year beforehand and I was beginning to get a little bored with the tedious storylines or whether it really was going downhill is something I’m open to debate about but I’m pretty certain it’s the latter. Survivor Series 2003 is perhaps the live broadcast which epitomises wrestling’s downfall at that time; the three hour event was host to some truly death defying bouts and some of the absolute best of all time from within the company but on the other hand, there was a lot of filler with a main event that was hardly a thriller.

Survivor Series 2003 was the 17th annual pay per view of the same name and certifiably one of the all-round finest that the WWE had to offer. The company hosted two shows during the week with Monday nights being dedicated to the longest running prime time show in America, Raw, and Thursday nights hosting Smackdown. This has since changed to a Friday but that’s irrelevant to this review. All I’m going to say is that Survivor Series had a reputation as being one of the most hotly contest pay per views and on many occasions saw the end of a significant part of history within the company from the immortal Undertaker’s debut back in 1990 to the ‘screwing’ of Bret (s)Hitman Hart six years later so in many respects, if Survivor Series can’t deliver a decisive and exciting pay per view, the company is doomed...DOOMED!

Anyway, yes, so as you get the idea, Survivor Series should be a dependable pay per view. However, you’ll learn in a few moments that this was far from the case...

THE CURTAIN JERKER...
Team Angle vs Team Lesner in a Survivor Series match:

Curtain jerking in wrestling terms means to open the show; although is sounds derogatory, it’s not always intended to be that way because if you are not in the final match of the night – ‘The Main Event’ – the most desirable spot on a pay per view card is the opening bout. Opening the show on this occasion was what the company refers to as a ‘classic Survivor Series style match’. In other words, two teams of five honking great men enter the ring, beat one of the five members of the opposing team up a little bit, before making them submit or pinning them before another member of the opposite team enters to get beaten up...or to do the exact opposite and get a pin fall or submission for their team. This continues until all of the members of one team have been eliminated so it is pretty straight forward and essentially just a tag team match with more participants.

In theory.

On this particular occasion, we have two main eventers hoping to lead their teams to victory. Kurt Angle and his squad of the Rabid Wolverine Chris Benoit, The Dr of Thuganomics John Cena, the hapless Hardcore Holly and the boring Bradshaw take on Brock Lesner’s ensemble of hoss’. In wrestling terms, a hoss is a big guy who is so useless and immobile that it’s impossible for them to pull a decent match out of the bag. For that purpose, it’s more-or-less worthless me mentioning their names to you; three out of the four members of Brock’s team were fairly new on the wrestling scene and the other was the overweight and stealthless Big Show, better known to 1990s wrestling fans as The Giant from WCW who is barely worth a mention anyway.

As far as the match itself went, things were a little awkward from the get go; Cena was now a babyface (good guy) and was on a team of very mediocre good guys at best. Holly came into the match with a grudge against Lesner because of a severe but legitimate neck injury which Brock had caused a year prior to this match but the crowd just didn’t react to anything Holly did and they were damn sure meant to; this was Holly’s big return and after a build up of promotional videos which repeatedly showed Holly getting his neck crushed, you would think the fans would at least cheer out of sympathy but apparently not.

Benoit as always was a solid worker throughout this match and very much kept the situation together; Angle would have been on the same level but the moron decided to wrestle with a weak neck himself due to an injury that would require fusion surgery the very next day. Angle’s presence was severely lacking due to the limited amount of work he could do without hurting his neck which is understandable but at the same time, the WWE should have worked around this in a more plausible way. Angle vs Lesner had been an on going project anyway and it’s understandable as to why they would carry the feud through into Survivor Series but otherwise, from Angle’s health’s perspective, it was all a bit pointless and unnecessary.

Good match, bad match? Average match – one of the fundamental problems was that the WWE decided to build up to their main pay per view of the year – Wrestlemania XX – a couple of months too early so this match served its purpose in setting up for a Big Show/Cena feud, yes. It was an enjoyable match – and arguably one of the most enjoyable of the pay per view – but there were some rather major faults there that made the whole bout look as if it had just been thrown together for the sake of opening the show with a couple of really good athletes.

HERE COME THE GIRLS...
Molly Holly (C) vs Lita for the Women’s Championship:
Oh joy - a WWE Divas match. For those of you who aren’t all that well acquainted with the silicone, STI ridden ladies of the WWE, there are only really two things worth knowing about them; they have silicone and are STI ridden. Oh and they have poor matches but that seemed irrelevant somehow...

However, although the silicone wasn’t missing from this match, Molly Holly defending her Women’s Title against Lita seemed to be a pretty safe bet for an ok match. Both Molly and Lita are two of the most respected women’s wrestlers of my generation for the fact that they seem to understand the psychology of a match and how to piece it together in a way to make both the heel (bad guy) and babyface look good. Molly isn’t what you’d describe as a dastardly heel, just a little egocentric. Lita on he other hand is a very good babyface; the fans really seem to empathise with her not just for the fact that she’s a good worker but also because she has a charisma that many women’s wrestlers seem to lack. Apart from when she is talking and in which case many people leave the room...

Lasting just short of seven minutes, one of the undeniable weak points of this match – like the curtain jerker – is the fact that it was given such a sparse time frame in which for the wrestlers to display their skills. Long matches aren’t usually permittable unless it’s the final bout on a TV taping or pay per view but at the same time, a short match does nobody any favours if there is a title on the line because it makes the loser look weak. In fact, the only time when shorter matches should go ahead is on the occasions when one of the main event workers takes on one of the jobbers (wrestling term for new up-and-comer who constantly loses their matches in a bid to make the other guy look more powerful).

Good match, bad match? Ok match – Molly vs Lita was as good as it was going to be in such a short time frame; it had a logical sequence of events but at the same time, it was difficult to ignore how everything seemed to be on fast forward mode so that another match could take place. It might just have been that my finger slipped on the remote control but this match really did seem too short which was a pity as there are two very capable women’s wrestlers who just didn’t get long enough to really show what they’ve got on this occasion.

SOMEONE CALL THE AMBULANCE...THERE’S GONNA BE AN ACCIDENT!
We hope or at least that was the idea for Kane vs Shane McMahon in an Ambulance Match.

‘An ambulance match?’ I hear you say ‘What’s one of those?’ A very good question indeed! An Ambulance Match is a bit like an anything goes bout where various weapons can be used and the match itself doesn’t have to stay between the four corners of the ring. Instead, the ‘wrestlers’ (I use that term most loosely to describe this duo) can roll about on the ramp, backstage, in the locker room and even outside in the cold, weather and spandex permitting, of course.

Kane is meant to be a sadistic bastard. Sorry for the language but it’s true...apparently. So after setting good ol’Jim ‘JR’ Ross on fire (a wrestling commentator who calls the ‘emotional’ aspect of the match...again, I use the word emotional most loosely...) he seemingly decided to pick a fight with the boss, Vince McMahon’s only son. Why I can’t remember and I don’t think I care to remember. After weeks of foreplay, where Kane even electrocuted Shane McMahon in the groin, the audience are expected to sit through thirteen and a half minutes of this utter drivel which accumulates in someone getting thrown inside a damn vehicle. Great! Glad the company didn’t bother to charge us for this particular pay per view over here...

Good match, bad match? Bloody awful match which consisted of McMahon doing so many high spots (wrestling slang for big, fancy, non-psychological moves) that it all just seemed too overbearing and so far fetched which I know is ironic considering I’m talking about the world of wrestling but it’s true! This is one I always seem to skip; once you’ve seen one ambulance match, you’ve seen them all and this poor brawl is no different.

TAG TEAM ACTION THAT GETS A WHOLE SEVEN AND A HALF MINUTES?!
The Basham Brothers (C) with Shaniqua vs Los Guerreros for the WWE Tag Team Championships:

You read that right folks; the tag team titles get contested in a match that lasts OVER seven minutes! Ok this is where my blood really begins to boil; a match between two hideous workers gets over thirteen minutes yet a battle between two very good teams gets not even ten minutes AND the belts are on the line. Quote from Hulk Hogan: Oh, BROTHER!

This should have without a doubt been one of the better matches of the night; Doug and Danny Basham were fairly new kids on the block and although they are not what you’d describe as technically sound wrestlers, they know how to make a match seem logical and know how to put their manager, the rather butch looking Shaniqua, to good use. They were the heel team in the match which means that their manager can afford to interfere as she can start slapping around the babyface team and distracting the referee because of the fact they are the bad guys here.

Los Guerreros, better known as the Late, Great Eddie Guerrero and his nephew Chavo Guerrero, were falling apart at the seams. If you watched WCW in the late 90s or indeed the WWE in the early noughties, you’ll know that Eddie had a great fire and passion about him and was undeniably a charismatic and entertaining performer. I’ve seen some of his earlier performances since watching wrestling again and although his performances weren’t always as confident, by 2003 they were and Eddie was garnering quite a big fan base. That much was evident in this match but again, the time issue really came into play. Nothing could be done in a slow, methodical fashion because the time allocated to the match just wasn’t enough. I think it was Lance Storm, a former WWE and WCW wrestler, who said that tag team wrestling was a dying art form and I completely agree with him; here are two teams that are genuinely worth the watch yet the company decide not to promote such a battle correctly.

Good match, bad match? Indifferent match – it would have undoubtedly been one of the highlights of the pay per view and indeed it was but the time thing is something that is very difficult to overcome when thinking about this one. Just as things were beginning to flow nicely, the whole thing just ends. What a waste. However, whilst there was some action going on, it was enjoyable and a modern classic in terms of how to build a good divide between heel and face competitors.

AND IN THE END?
Team Austin vs Team Bishoff in a Survivor Series Match:

Now I know throughout this review I’ve been banging on about the whole time thing and I am about to completely contradict everything I just said about only a main event getting such a significant amount of time.

The fifth match of the night is the one that I think this particular event will be remembered for; Stone Cold Steve Austin, Mr. ‘Don’t Trust Anybody’ had to place his trust in five other men who would be competing on his behalf in a classic Survivor Series style match against Eric Bishoff’s team. Austin and Bishoff have had a rather turbulent relationship both on and off screen; Bishoff used to be the talent relations guy for WCW (in ‘real life’, whatever that is) and he fired Austin when he was at home nursing an arm injury (again, in real life...) claiming that Austin lacked any sort of potential. Irony would rear it’s oh so fantastic head and Stunning Steve Austin would be known as Stone Cold Steve Austin, becoming the biggest draw (wrestling terms for a bankable, fan favourite) in 1990s wrestling. With that in mind, the two’s logger head attitudes were depicted on television when Bishoff and Austin became co General Managers of Monday Night Raw. In wrestling, a General Manager – or Commissioner as some people in the 1990s were known as – basically act as the on screen boss: booking matches and making general decisions for the show. Enough was enough however and something had to give; both men were power hungry and in the end, it was decided that both men would assemble two teams of employees to fight on their behalf at this pay per view. The losing team would not only lose the match but also their manager for this bout, who would be banished from the company.

Austin had assembled on hell of a team; The Dudley Boyz (who were – and still are - crap), the five time WCW Champion Booker T (who is aging and getting a bit mediocre), the Whole F’N Show Rob Van Dam and my personal favourite The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels. They were set to square off against Bishoff’s boys; the Lionheart Chris Jericho, Scott Steiner, Test, The Legend Killer Randy Orton and finally the Creepy Little Bastard, Christian. Have I mentioned the word bastard twice, nay three times, in this review?! Wow, wrestling does make me violent...

Both teams on the whole had some exceptional talent and I think as a whole it was an excellent match; the wrestlers had obviously worked out a way to make the strongest contenders look indestructible and to keep the fan favourites around for as long as possible. It was one of the few battles of the new Millennium in which I can honestly say I was on the edge of my seat for; ok, I’d been on the internet before taping this event and found out who had won, but it was still an exciting, fast paced bout that as a wrestling fan you really cared about. The winner did matter on this occasion and from a psychological perspective this was brilliantly portrayed. Although this match took up about half an hours worth of time, all of this was valuably spent; you really got inside the head of Austin – who by the way is a fantastic actor in this context. Never seen his movies so I can’t comment on those – and it was one of the most genuine and emotional match ups you will ever watch, regardless of whether you know the background story very well or not.

Good match, bad match? Bloomin’ awesome match – this one is without a doubt the reason to buy this pay per view; unpredictable right up until the final minute and with some of the companies best workers, I could quite happily watch this match every week. Wrestling doesn’t get any better than this, people.

BURIED ALIVE BY HATE...
The Undertaker vs Vince McMahon in a Buried Alive match:

We very much go from the sublime to the ridiculous as The Undertaker squares off against company bigwig, Mr. McMahon. Yep, that’s Shane McMahon’s Daddy and no I don’t have an answer as to why two members of the most annoying family on TV HAD to be on this pay per view. That being said, this one from the start was a certified brain fart; you know the Shane had participated (if you can really call it that...) in the Ambulance Match earlier on in the night? Well now we had to watch his Father in a Buried Alive Match, a bout which is of such a similar nature, it’s ridiculous. With a Buried Alive Match, the loser is decided once one of the opponents has been literally buried underneath some soil. The WWE really do go to town on these matches and even get a tombstone made up for the occasion – how apt!

Basically, this was a mirror image of match number three; Kane and The Undertaker are storyline brothers and the seem to share the same wrestling philosophy; they are only as good as their opponent which means that if they get put into a match against a crummy worker, the chances are it will hardly be their finest outing inside a wrestling ring either. Although nothing about this match was rational, the one thing I do have to give it credit for is the fact that the ending was so unexpected and very much out of the blue. It was the only bout of the night that truly required the essence of Wrestlemania and its lead up to be brought to life and although this is hardly going to be a memorable battle, the ending was very good and saved it from the pitfall that Kane vs Shane took earlier on in the night.

Good match, bad match? Alright match – it had a good, solid ending that although just hit you like a ton of bricks and you did question why it happened, it worked and kept the audience guessing for several months after this pay per view, which I liked. It was a pretty unpredictable finish which is something many wrestling angles (wrestling slang for storylines) seem to lack now-a-days.

NOW ONTO THE ‘MAIN’ EVENT
Triple H (C) vs Goldberg for the World Heavyweight Championship:

Now, as I mentioned earlier, either Stone Cold or Triple H would be defending the Championship on this night and since Steve Austin has already featured in a match, guess who it could be?

If you said Triple H, you’re right. Congratulations for not having the memory of a goldfish. In the final match of the evening, the fans were ‘treated’ to Triple H vs Goldberg(er). Triple H as a wrestler is someone I have very mixed feelings about; I think he can cut a good promo (wrestling slang for wrestlers standing in the middle of the ring and talking to themselves/their opponents/whoever is stupid enough to listen) and I think he can work against some of the best contenders well. However, sometimes, the domination of his presence within the main event spot is just annoying; over the course of 2003, HHH featured in more main events than anybody else, regardless of whether he was the champ or not, and I for one really, really wanted someone else to be the Champ.

Except for Goldberg. He bored me to tears every time he came down the ramp; his ‘matches’ are basically brutal. He comes to the ring, brutalises his opponents with the same old boring moves before making his way backstage whilst snorting and spitting everywhere and again, and after a couple of times of seeing this, it got old and lame. The one thing that is obvious that Triple H and Goldberg do have a certain amount of chemistry together; Trips can play the dastardly, shrinking heel very convincingly and for some reason Goldberg can play the fan favourite well too. Why is anybody’s guess because to me all he does is leave bodily fluids all over the ramp, not to mention the ring. But the fans at Series seemed to enjoy seeing Goldberg, injured and bandaged leg and all.

The match itself is everything you would expect; we’d seen the duo do battle before and it wasn’t thrilling then and guess what? It still wasn’t thrilling. Much like Angle, who’d been martyred with an injury, both men in the main event were said to be injured. I think Goldberg’s was a storyline injury but it limited to an even greater extent what he did in the ring and then there was Triple H – who should have certainly been the stronger competitor – who had a legitimate groin injury which meant his move list was compromised a little to favour his injured parts. Due to the injuries, the match wasn’t destined to last very long which – after harping on about the time issue for the best part of this review – isn’t acceptable for a main event level match. This match should have been the reason to sell the pay per view, hence the reason why it was last on the card as everything is supposed to be built around the last match, but it just didn’t happen. The match in itself worked because of how much the fans loathed Triple H, with buddy Ric Flair often interrupting the bout, and liked Goldberg but it’s one of those things where without these characters, the whole thing would have fallen apart quite radically although some of the comedic moments involving Flair were of a high quality and made for an enjoyable watch.

Good match, bad match? Again, average match – it had some funny moments which did ultimately save this one from being too tedious but it was a bit of a waste of a main event; not enough happened to make me want to bother watching it again so normally I bid the tape farewell before this bout.

SO, AM I GOING TO UPDATE FROM TAPE TO DVD?
Not at the moment, anyway. If I see the DVD being sold for less than £10 I might be tempted but otherwise, perhaps not.

With the exception of the Team Austin vs Team Bishoff bout, each of the matches on this pay per view had massive faults. These faults were mainly because of timing issues which I won’t ramble on about any longer; if you’ve read the rest of the review, you’ll know all about this and will probably have the mouse hovering over the ‘back’ button if I don’t keep quiet about it but one of the biggest reasons not to enjoy this event was for the two matches featuring the McMahons; Vince and son Shane are not wrestlers, and never will be. Their matches were glorified soap opera fights which are absolutely unacceptable at one of the biggest pay per views of the year. The Ambulance and Buried Alive matches don’t require an awful lot of skill to pull off; they work on the premise that if you can brutalise an opponent, you should be ok. However, to have two of these matches within the space of three hours is a bit pointless and weakens the rest of the matches anyway because of how fierce those bouts are made to look in comparison.

However, one day I would be keen to update this event onto DVD format; there are many good, solid matches on here that ok perhaps weren’t maximised to their full potential, are still enjoyable to watch time after time. I’m thinking in particular about the Team Austin vs Team Bishoff match; although bias, Shawn Michaels’ performance in that bout was exceptional. He’s a born performer and, although in his forties and aging by the day, this match alone will prove that he still has ‘it’ and can make his opponents look stronger and more credible than they would have done with a less charismatic and sympathetic performer working alongside them.

Buy Survivor Series 2003 if you watched wrestling in the late nineties or early naughties and want to see how the product has changed. If you’re not a wrestling fan, don’t bother with this one as it’ll confirm your worst fears about the ‘sport’: that it’s a scripted, over the top soap opera with very little substance and minimalistic amount of action.

QUICK STATS:
Year: 2003
Length: Roughly 2 hours, 40 mins
Matches: Seven