Another saturday night spent with a DVD and wine. There was nothing good left in the video shop, so after half an hours deliberating between this and the 'Dukes of Hazzard', I decide to impress the hubby with this one. As I left the shop I was already regretting the decision, Johnny Knoxville was much more appealing.........damn it!
I hated the first 'Underworld' so why had I got this one? Dunno but with a heavy heart I resigned myself to an evening of having to watch Kate Beckinsdale's leather clad arse running around.....Sigh, but its vampires, theres bound to be some long haired gothic prince of darkness for me to watch. Feeling a little more hopeful I send hubby to the kitchen to open the wine.
The film starts with flash backs to what happened in the first film, none of which I could actually remember (maybe too much wine on the evening I watched that one). So the first half hour was spent with me asking, Who's that? Whats he doing? etc... By now I can tell that the hubby is getting irritated by my constant questioning so I decide to shut up and watch it.
THE FILM
Released 2006 Run time ....
106 mins Genre...Horror / action Certificate .... 18 Director.... Len Wiseman
CAST
Kate Beckinsale .... Selene Scott Speedman .... Michael Corvin Tony Curran .... Marcus Corvinus Shane Brolly .... Kraven Derek Jacobi .... Alexander Corvinus Bill Nighy .... Viktor Steven Mackintosh .... Andreas Tanis Zita Görög .... Amelia Brian Steele .... William Corvinus Scott McElroy .... Soren John Mann .... Samuel Michael Sheen .... Lucian Sophia Myles .... Erika Richard Cetrone .... Pierce Mike Mukatis .... Taylor
THE PLOT
Beckinsdale is back as Selene the vampire that kills Lycans (or werewolves to you and me). Sadly her arse hasn't got as fat and saggy as I would have wished but I read that she had the worst tits in Hollywood so this brings me some comfort as I watch the film.
Anyway, the Lycans and vampires hate each other after a feud stemming from 2 twin brothers many years ago. One Markus was bitten by a bat and turned into (yes you've guessed it) a vampire. The other, William was bitten by a wolf and turned into a werewolf. Methinks the their dad should have taken better care of them really. To have one son bitten by a rabid animal is bad enough but 2??? Thats just plain careless.
Markus and the vampires capture William as he's a bit too dangerous and bites too much (pot, kettle and black spring to mind). The vampires led by the double-crossing Victor (Nighy) from the first film lock up William much to his brother Markus' annoyance (maybe he fancied having a pet dog or something). William is trapped in a secret prison cell and Markus wants to find him.
Their dad, brother Caedfael, sorry Alexander Corninus also turns up looking for his kids. He's immortal (don't ask me how). Selene is also mixed up in the plot and is determined to discover yet more truth about her family....blah, blah, blah.
Alongside this a half wit sorry cross breed was created in the first film. He's called Michael and he gets to screw Beckinsdale. I would have liked the brazen trollop to have gotten pregnant by this tryst and have given birth to some hairy bat/ wolf thing but that didn't happen sadly. Can vampires get pregnant and have babies?
Michael is a bit pointless. You would expect a cross between Lycans and Vampires to have special powers but he's a bit wet and weedy but he can go out in the day time....great!
The film ends with it being set up for the third film. Yes, it seems that Wiseman has jumped on the trilogy band waggon. Just had a horrid thought though...what if he makes more???? Please god noooooooo! Someone has got to keep his missus (Beckinsdale) working I suppose.
VERDICT
The film is a bit naff really. The special effects aren't that special and a number of things bother me:
1. If Selene is a Vampire why does she have to travel by helicopter? Why can't she just turn into a bat and fly?
2. Why were all the blokes ugly? Michael looked too much like Kraven. This confused me for about 45 minutes.
3. How does her leather cat suit repair itself after she has been shot through it? Do they make kids clothes out of this self repairing material?
The performances weren't spectacular even off the golden oldies like Jacobi and Nighy. The story was lame. It tried to nick loads of ideas from Greek myths but kinda failed miserably. The prison could have been done much better, I'm thinking boobie traps etc like on the Goonies and Indiana Jones.
I also think a bit of humour might have livened things up too. The film took itself too seriously and was up its own arse. With the vampire genre you expect the odd wise-crack. I can't think why it got an 18 certificate either. The 'gory' bits weren't that bad.
All-in-all it was rather disappointing. So, back to my question, what do you get if you cross a vampire with a werewolf? The answer is a pile of shite!
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