(Please note: This is a film only review - thanks!)

Wednesday afternoons are reserved in many Universities for sports; during those few precious hours once a week, there is some serious muscle flexing, taunting and sweating going on with the majority of lectures and seminars being suspended so that students can revel in their o-so healthy exercise regime. Let's put it this way; some peoples exercise regimes are significantly better than their diet of booze, chocolate, more booze and even a dodgy ready meal or two.

Generalisations aside, I guess you are all wondering Mizzaholics (that's my new name for my dozens - and dozens - of fans) what the heck stereotypical images of Uni students has to do with the movie 'Twilight'. After all, vampires, revenge and threats of murder all tied together in a Romeo and Juliet type love saga sounds far more interesting than sleep deprived students stumbling their way through a hockey match, right?

In theory, yes which is why my friends and I made the ultimate sacrifice; instead of over exerting ourselves in the gym, we decided to climb the stairs of the number 25 bus to go and watch the aforementioned movie at our term time local cinema. Trust me, it was a very difficult decision to have to make but a decision made significantly easier with the promise of Aero Bubbles and Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream awaiting us at the snack bar.

And what was that about student diets?

WHY 'TWILIGHT'?
Well, I suppose that is a fairly valid question. After all, we could have gone to see the critically acclaimed 'Slumdog Millionaire' or perhaps the 'fantastic' Sin City rip-off. Instead, we chose to go and see 'Twilight' because my buddy had only seen the damn thing five times and five clearly isn't enough...

On that reckoning, you would assume that my friend loved the film and thought of it as a potential post-teen Hollywood classic in the making.

Wrong.

You see, she loved one tiny aspect of the movie but it wasn't until we'd actually sat through nearly two hours of the drivel that she admitted that the film adaptation was nowhere near as good as the books, written by Stephenie Meyer. 2008's movie was the first instalment of the four novels and the ending to this particular film leaves the casket very much open for the adaptation of 'New Moon', due to be released later this year.

However, the majority of my buddies including me have never read the books; I knew the very basics because my marginally obsessed mate had explained the very basics to me. But there were certain preconceptions that I had before I even got sat down; I wasn't aware of the 12A age certificate (see how much I pay attention?) but considering it's a film aged at the teen market, it makes sense in one way for the rating to be that low but in some ways, 'Twilight' could have benefitted from a 15 certificate so that it could push the boundaries where need be.

BUT FIRST THINGS FIRST: WHO'S WHO IN 'TWILIGHT'?
As if you couldn't tell from the age certificate, the books and in turn the movie, are based upon the life and times of teenagers. Set in the red-neck town of Folks, Washington, the High School environment is played upon to the max in 'Twilight'; if you think back to dramas for teenagers even from a couple of decades ago, the main themes of love, angst and jealousy are all unearthed and exploited. Think of 'Twilight' as a bit of a modern day version of 'Saved by the Bell'; it's more contemporary in the sense that sci-fi as a genre is perhaps more appealing to youngsters now-a-days and scary stuff, such as vampires, kidnappings and random outburst of violence, are considered cool.

Call it desensitization but there is one thing that both 'Saved by the Bell' and 'Twilight' have in common, other than their chosen demographic; they both have a cast of rather attractive young actors.

Well, at least the protagonists are pretty easy on the eye. Kirsten Stewart plays Bella Swan, the new kid in school who struggles to find her bearings for more than one reason. Upping sticks from Arizona is one thing but not being able to understand why the school's resident hottie looks like he's about to hurl every time he sees her is another matter entirely.

Apparently, within the context of the book, Bella is quite a character; the feisty and sarcastic type which everyone secretly admires. Dr. House is a complete jerk but if portrayed in such a way, those hardly sweet and cheery like bubblegum characters are easy to fall in love with because of their quirkiness and oddball qualities.

Alas, Stewart's performance is anything but alluring and, from what I've been told, completely loses any of the ironic and determined touches that the novel's female lead possesses. Yes, Kirsten is pretty and will make many teenage boys drool upon seeing her. But the fact is that her performance is so dull and so uninspired that it's difficult to warm to her in any respect at all, regardless of the said prominent personality traits. Her facials expressions only range from mildly mad to a little bit upset which in itself is difficult to even begin to want her to succeed in her quest to find happiness, if that indeed is what she is searching. The plot itself isn't very open about her quest to find her feet in her new home and Kirsten's lack of acting ability makes it even more difficult to derive this kind of 'extortionate' meaning.

Along side Kirsten, the other lead Robert Pattinson is marginally more entertaining and at least depicts his character with some degree of realism. Being a vampire and all must be one of the coolest things on the planet, if you like that sort of thing at least, but Pattinson has done a respectable job of letting the audience know that it's not all it's cracked up to be. There are many points in the plot where he seems a lot more difficult to decode than he actually is but I think that air of mystery in the script is kept alive well by Pattinson and you really do get a sense of the characters innate curiosity with the human world around him in a believable but unstated performance which is undeniably one of the better of the film.

The only reason why Pattinson comes across in a slightly better light compared to Kirsten is due to the fact that again, as a character, it is ultra difficult to warm to him in any way; whether it is because he's a Vampire or something like that but his awkwardness at times becomes a little too much and really spoils a few key scenes within the film. Whether this is because of the sometimes abysmal script writing I don't know. But you do get the feeling that Pattinson's performance will improve radically as he finds himself more within the comfort of his character, Edward Cullen, which is more than can be said for Kirsten and Bella.

Plus, many consider him to be a good looking kind of guy (particularly my friend!) which obviously makes someone a great actor (no comments please about Richard Armitage or I will hunt you down with a baseball bat...well this is an American movie, ya know!)

Yet I think the biggest mystery of the movie, as far as acting goes, is why so many of the older characters decided to play it as if they were in the ghetto with their hommies; Billy Burke who played Bella's Father, Charlie, wasn't only uncharismatic but his tone of voice just failed to reinforce the messages of the text. As he plays a copper (remember, he's an AMERICAN copper too so forget about your good ol' Gene Hunts and Jack Regan's for just a second) you can't expect him to be overly emotional or even lively but his performance was so lacklustre that it really was as if he and Kirsten had planned to create a Father/Daughter type bond through their boring acting.

This does seem to be a bit of a trend with the Father figures in Bella's life; her step-father, played by some 'home-boy' type bloke, also seems to find himself transported into the darkest parts of America gang culture although he is baseball player. The two may go hand in hand but his poor dialect provoked me to shout 'whaddup' like five minutes into the film! Surely my attention span shouldn't have been that severely weaken in that short space of time?!

Bella's Mother was played by Sarah Clarke, and the actor who I think emerged with the dignity of a credible performance still in tact; Renee as a character is your traditional, worrying Mum but I think Clarke's performance was the most natural and moving of the lot. She did over exaggerate her words during a certain scene which, yes, was rather unnecessary but it all meshed together very well and although Renee wasn't a major character within the movie, she was an integral one so that some degree of emotion was shown.

One of the films biggest drawbacks in some ways is the extreme number of characters on offer; it's impossible for me to sit here and recite every one of the performances for the sheer fact that I can't even remember what all of the characters were called, let alone what they looked or acted like! I remember Edward's siblings and parents in the Cullen clan all being a bit wooden but again, I think a large part of that is credited to the characters they play...at least I hope that's the case!

There a lot of other people who are rather insignificant too and are really just the backdrop for the Bella and Edward fiasco. At school, you get the regular jocks, preppy girls and loud mouth guys with a wannabe gay thrown in for good measure but really, it's so reminiscent to other shows (like Saved by the Bell) that you just fail to really grasp any impact they could have had over the movie. Anna Kendrick as Jessica is the most prominent example of this: you can tell that the producers have picked her because she looks like she has just stepped off the runway at a pageant but her facial expressions are recognisably awkward. I don't know what role Jessica as a character plays in the next book but I sincerely hope that her lines get cut down in time for the production of 'New Moon' to begin filming...

SO, WHAT ABOUT THE FILM?
Well what indeed! I'm not going to go into too much detail about the plot; you may have gathered already that it's a sordid tale of love and hate, humans and vampires and in that sense it is pretty self explanatory. However, some gripes need bringing to your attention dear Ciaosters before you venture out on a cold winters evening to go and see this tripe.

Well, that is providing you plan on going at night time...

One of the biggest things that I found wrong with 'Twilight' was just how inhumanely bad the dialogue was. Again, I'm not sure how this is in relation to the actual books but seriously some of the scripting was horrendous, really awful.

The romance element of the story is obviously going to have a slightly naive, young twist to it; after all, 12A is the age certificate. But its corniness is laughable and borders on worryingly paedophilic; Edward informs Bella that he likes to watch her sleep but it's all a bit too much and extremely cringe worthy. At this stage of the film, my friends and I weren't the only ones laughing out loud...

It's not so much that you can't understand the love story unfolding but it's difficult to even begin to relate to it. Bella - being the central human character - should have been the one that pulled all of the different elements together so that the audience could try and understand this from a supposed Vampire's perspective. On some levels, this worked out alright; the first time when the pair of star cross'd lovers met was one of those occasions which stuck to the conventional notions of the romance genre by having Bella cross the screen with a mock wind, blowing back of the hair effect to make it seem all that bit more dramatic as if she is the most stunning woman to ever grace Edward's coffin.

Yet it just didn't work because it just felt so out of place. Yes, love is at the centre of this movie, but the primary genre of fantasy could compensate for this but even as early as half an hour into the movie, that particular scene stuck out like a Vampire at Easter; in a completely different dimension that made little sense.

Even if this film is meant to be a big, romantic escapade, this seems to be completely lost on the lead actors. Bella and Edward are portrayed as the completely frigid virgins you are meant to believe they are but even without that spark of sexualised magic, there is very little chemistry; Kirsten and the Vampire Dude (can't be bothered to look up his actual name) fumble between kisses as if the other tastes like garlic and, even if this is the case, c'mon people: this is Hollywood! At least make it look like you want to stick your fangs in her!

One of the most irksome things about the entire production was everyone's recognition that Bella was 'gorgeous'. I've already said that she's pretty attractive but gorgeous is a completely different level altogether and not one that fitted the whole notion of the movie. Edward is meant to be out of this world, to die for good looking but the dialogue just didn't mix because you had some people saying how beautiful Bella was with others making note how no one is ever good enough for Edward so poor Bella shouldn't get her hopes up.

Bizarre and incomprehensible all at once.

The final twenty minutes have to be classified as the worst of the entire two hours, in which everything is meant to come to ahead. This wasn't a problem; there was a logical, if not overly predictable conclusion. Yet the one thing that really made the final showdown intolerable was once again Kirsten's inability to act. There were scenes where she was meant to be in excruciating pain and rather than the injuries that she was meant to have sustained, she made it sound like she was in the middle of childbirth to a fifteen stone baby! That was another thing that was laughable but for all of the wrong reasons entirely.

It was painful for the viewer and it's just a shame Kirsten couldn't have watched herself attempt to act before completing such scenes. It would have undeniably helped her...

THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING POSITIVE ABOUT 'TWILIGHT'...RIGHT?!
Well, there has to be somewhere...*thinks for half an hour*. Nope, not a vial of blood!

Ok well I guess if we are trying to be nice about the film, we could say that it targeted its chosen age group respectably well. It had a love plot that ok didn't come off as being all that romantic to the slightly older viewer but otherwise it must have been like they were on screen romping passionately in the eyes of a couple of thirteen year olds! The words 'romping' and 'passionate' don't go together very well, do they?

Oh well.

I suppose the sound track was one of the films redeeming features with the most obvious songs to be played being 'Supermassive Black Hole' by Muse. I don't like that song over much but it suited the alternative element of the movie well and of course has a slightly dark feel to it, like the Cullen family themselves were said to.

I suppose the last second of the movie was good, and it did end in a satisfying but mysterious way. However, when one of my buddies and I turned around and, to our absolute horror, no one else was getting up so we instantly assumed that there was an extra scene or something. Thankfully not - it was just a montage of the actors and their real life names. Fascinating.

HOLD ON BUT THIS IS A 'FANTASY' FILM - THERE MUST HAVE BEEN SOME ULTRA COOL VISUAL EFFECTS...YEAH?!
Urm well no actually. Other than casting who they did as the lead characters, the biggest brain fart of the producers and directors of 'Twilight' was actually the special effects.

They were 'special' alright but not in a good way...

The graphics overall just looked dire, as if a five year old had been let loose in a post-production truck and told to make the movie look magical. Of course, when you are five years old, your greatest ambition ever is to learn to fly, unless you are Acrophobic and in which case you'd have no idea what that means at that age anyway.

Moving on and hopefully back to the film in question, one of the most shocking things about 'Twilight' minus the atrocious acting, dodgy dialogue and crappy camera shots (which seemed to lack any real continuity...) was certainly the over use of the jump shot camera movements.

Matrix made the suspended disbelief of bullet time seem feasible and, having proved to be a slick sci-fi flick, people enjoyed those moments. Here on the other hand, the audience are expected to sit through countless shots of the idiots flying about the place and hanging in mid air. It should have worked but it just looked trashy, unattained and poorly fashioned.

There were too many of these scenes as well which made the whole affair even more abominable; if there were one or two of these scenes littered at random moments throughout the film then you could pass it off as being teething troubles for the directors. Alas, it just made me cringe every time it happened and unfortunately, it was a fair few times throughout the two hours.

It had a terrible impact on many of the supposed key scenes; there was a scene where Bella and Edward were discussing their incomparable future together but then he started flying and darting here, there and everywhere and just made it look over worked and silly. You couldn't even begin to try and concentrate on the story or the supposed emotions (if you believe that Kirsten and 'Vampire Dude' could manage that much) because of the stupid motions.

OK, SO IT'S FAIR TO SAY YOU WEREN'T OVERLY KEEN ON 'TWILIGHT', THEN?
In a word, no; it was a film that had promise and as much as I've slagged Robert (Vampire Dude) and Kirsten's acting - or lack of - capabilities, hopefully they will be actors that become more comfortable and accomplished in their roles as the series of movies progresses although I wouldn't seriously bank on it in the leading lady's case...

To make up for such a shoddy, unfulfilled script, the creators have obviously decided to go overboard with the CGI in order to make the film seem exciting. Hasn't work, guys! It looks even worse than it could have been if you'd just stuck Kirsten and Robert inside a paper bag and told them to act their way out of it...or should that be a crypt?

One of the main problems for me personally was that the character of Bella was so cold and uncaring it was difficult to try and see her in love at all because the feeling just wasn't there. A lot of the time, it was very half arsed and indifferent which meant it was near enough impossible to try and endear yourself to her in any way. This obviously impacted on the romance level of the film; I didn't want her to fall in love because nothing she said or did made me think 'yep, you deserve it, kid!'

Instead, I would have been happier if it has all gone a lot worse in some ways for Edward and Bella; although these was supposed to be an element of revenge, trapped deep within the past of the characters live, I don't think any of this came across as threatening or scary at all. It was too predictable for all of that which was a real shame because it could have made the movie a little more interesting and endearing all at once.

I was honestly hoping for a more violent film; obviously that dream was torn apart when I realised 'Twilight' has a 12A certificate. But if it had been slightly higher, I really feel that the scenes were you are meant to be scared for Bella and Edward would have been more threatening but this was not to be and it really showed in some areas where the audience were meant to feel worried for the duo.

I bet you are all wondering if my friend has been to see 'Twilight' any more since we did a couple of weeks ago? The answer's yes; she's seen it twice more and is even considering going back to Odeon again before they pull the film! Obviously, she must like it somewhere along the line and it goes to show that although I've ranked it as an absolutely diabolical piece of cinema, some may consider it the motion picture of the year thus far which, if that is the case, I'm worried!

Well, there certainly is no accounting for taste...just a pity it was too weak a taste of blood for me to be thirsty enough to watch 'Twilight' again in a hurry!

QUICK STATS:
Year: 2008
Time: 122 minutes
Age Certificate: 12A
Director: Catherine Hardwick
Website: www.twilightthemovie.com