When prince Paris of Troy romances Helen out from under the nose of her husband Menelaus, he gives Menelaus’ brother Agamemnon the perfect excuse to declare war on Troy. With a fleet of a thousand ships, Agamemnon thinks a swift victory is assured, but he has not counted on the cunning and tenacity of the Trojans and in particular Hector, brother of Paris. So he has to do some wheeling and dealing to get the great Greek hero Achilles to fight for him, despite Achilles loathing for his king.

The pace is uneven and there is no sense of the passing of time – the Trojan Wars lasted ten years, after all. It would have taken weeks or months to travel by boat from Sparta to Troy, but the film makes it seem as though it’s as easy as a ferry crossing of the English Channel. It is highly improbable that a fleet of a thousand ships could have been organised in such a short space of time. One minute Paris and Hector are arriving in Troy, the next, the alliance of Greek city states is pulling up on the beach, fully armed and baying for blood. The choppy editing doesn’t help the pacing of the film. It was presumably used to inject excitement into the battle scenes, but is so rapid that it is impossible to see what’s going on, who’s fighting who or to gain any sense of the fear or passion of the soldiers. And though there may be heaps of bodies at the end of every battle I couldn’t bring myself to care about the loss of life. That’s how unaffecting this film is. It is so pitifully thrown together that it hangs in rags instead of being a rich tapestry of interwoven storylines.

The two central love stories between Paris and Helen and Achilles and Briseis are totally unbelievable because there is no chemistry between the couples and Achilles seduction of Briseis in particular is absurd. One minute she’s holding a knife to his throat, the next they’re naked and getting down to it. I don’t know about anyone else, but I was willing her to use the knife the whole time.

It is unclear how Petersen attracted so many talented actors to this epic farce. Perhaps he kidnapped all their families and kept them at gunpoint. I’ve got to admit that I’ve never been a big fan of Brad Pitt and this film doesn’t help his cause. His idea of being dark and brooding is to stand stiff as a board looking constipated. He’s nimble enough during his fight scenes but he really struggles when he’s required to feign love for Briseis. He makes all the right moves but he doesn’t look comfortable with them. He isn’t helped by the dodgy script that forces Achilles, vainglorious lout that he is to get all upset when Priam comes begging for his son’s body. Or that makes the self-absorbed glory hunter go out and kill the opposing army’s best warrior so all the other soldiers can go home. I nearly stood up and cheered when he finally died.

Eric Bana fairs somewhat better as Paris’ brother and protector Hector. He brings a weighty presence to the role, making the character both sympathetic and hard as nails. He’s one of the only likeable people in the whole film. So it’s a great shame when he gets killed off with almost three quarters of an hour to go and we’re left with a vacuum of charisma.

I’m not sure why Diane Kruger was cast as Helen, being neither a very good actress nor the most beautiful woman in the world. Her Helen comes across as vapid and self-absorbed and Kruger has all the acting talent of a piece of two by four.

Peter O’Toole is well past his best. The man who was Lawrence of Arabia is long past his prime as Priam and hasn’t enough presence to carry off the role of the king of Troy believably. A great actor he may have been, but maybe he should concentrate on writing his memoirs and enjoying his dotage while he can.

With a better script, effects, score, editing, production values and a different director, this could have been an epic to savour. As it is, it is a tangled mish-mash of disparate parts that never manages to rise above the mediocre. I wouldn’t advise that you rush out to see it, but if you really want to, I’d take a pillow (so you can sleep through the interminable final half-hour) and some very low expectations so you don’t leave the cinema feeling as disappointed as I did. Never have I been so tempted to walk out of a film so many times during a single showing. Still the costumes and jewellery are great and Orlando Bloom is pretty…