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Member since:08.03.2001
Reviews:254
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<cough> Highlander <cough>
Oh, I’m sorry! I had a rip off in my throat, I mean a tribute in my throat, I mean…ah to hell with it. Proving once again that Hollywood has a real problem releasing a major action movie without bearing its influences more blatantly than dried snot on the sleeve of an 11 year old’s school blazer. Park your brain and crack open a brewskie for the latest insult to your intelligence and sense of decent movie making. This is – THE ONE!
***THE PLOT***
There are a crapload of parallel universes. In one of ‘em, the secret of travelling between universes has been found. For some reason, a black market version of the technology has been purchased by one Yu Law, who is travelling around the “multiverse” killing his parallel selves. For each one he offs, the life energy of the others divides between them, making them stronger. The movie drops in when Yu is hunting down the last other him, Gabe. Both are now equal in strength (of course, the good one just takes this as ‘one of those things’), and Multiverse agents are hot on the heels of Yu in order to prevent him becoming ‘The One’ in case the universe implodes, or explodes, or something.
* * * * *
So – remind you of a certain sword-wielding movie series involving lots of people killing each other to get the ultimate power that they share? Of course it does, and don’t have me otherwise. The concept may be the same, but don’t worry – The One manages to pinch set design ideas and lots of other things from all manner of famous movies. The legacy of The Matrix shines through in the fairly inventive action scenes – mainly because of the phenomenal speed Yu & Gabe have. There are also
elements of Total Recall, Timecop, Face/Off and every futuristic thriller ***ever***.
***WHAT’S TO LIKE?***
The action sequences (which are all that holds the picture together – the plot is more or less that of Timecop) are showy but entirely necessary – without them this would just be a regular future fist-em-up. Yu and Gabe show super-human strength, using motorcycles like fly-swatters on unsuspecting policemen, bounding over 12-feet walls like pole vaulters sans pole, and outrun traffic in a Superman stylee. With questionable effects to boot!
The most important thing about Jet Li flicks is of course the fisticuffs, which are shown off to satisfactory effect. Jump cuts proliferate the action but also some static camera shots allow Li to show his full potential. He may not exactly meet it all the time, and there is a masturbatory show-off sequence in which good & bad Li flounce around practising their moves that smacks too much of filler. At the very least he impresses more here than in the lacklustre Kiss of the Dragon which bounded around too much visually to catch on to what was going on.
As for Li’s overall performance, it’s good to see him send himself up a little during the film’s first 15 minutes, as we see photographs of his alternative selves, including a Swedish Li with blond wig and cheesy smile! The ending also features Li’s funniest ever lines, both intentional and unintentional as he makes an excellent prison related gag, and then goes on to scream his self-importance (he likes doing this A LOT). It may tip over into full dumb mode, working against his previous character tics, which border on campy but it made me grin.
Oh, and Li’s English is really improving (certainly better than Jackie Chan), but he may become prone to what I call “Jean Claude Van Damme syndrome”. Starring in higher and higher concept movies, as his English ‘improves’ the quality of his roles weakens, until he stars with Roger Moore as an ass-kicking monk. And Li’s been an ass-kicking monk too much already. Give the man a break! And give Van Damme a long walk off a short volcano bridge with big gaps in it. With a hungry anteater in his drawers.
***WHAT’S NOT TO LIKE?***
For starters, it’s not exactly high brain material. In fact it’s what Hollywood bigwigs like to call high concept. Big on ideas, dumb on everything else. So if you’re expecting cerebral challenges, go find your old episodes of the Krypton Factor. If you want a REAL challenge, try and figure out how much of Gordon Banks’ hair was his own.
Anyway, expect characters turning up just when they need to, stock policemen who like to gawp at things rather than shoot them, and a general amount of indifference from the general public towards giant swirling tubes of light appearing in mid air and beaming people into/out of the known universe. “Meh, these things happen,” could well be a good line for the sequel, which I recommend calling The One Two. And don’t even get me started on how there are meant to be multiple universes, but apparently only 125 versions of Li’s self…
The soundtrack. Now, I don’t HATE “nu-metal”. I just dislike these cruddy rap-rock outifits like Pinkin Lark and Bimp Liscuit. They’re not on the soundtrack to this movie. But a few tracks from Disturbed, Drowning Pool and the like pop up to try and make the OTT set pieces more exciting. Working in the same way as the inappropriate OST to Resident Evil, they interfere with the mood and are obviously just there to rake in some cash. At one point Yu flicks through several radio stations until he finds a nu-metal song and nods in approval. “I finally find something I like about this universe” he utters. So you’ve not enjoyed going around killing people at random? Some criminal! Take him to a Bloodhound Gang show and he might calm down a bit…
The supporting actors. Hum. Carla Guigno plays the vet-wife of Gabe to passable effect, but never goes beyond the trusting wife role. The Multiverse agents come in the forms of Delroy Lindo and Jason Statham, both phoning in their familiar shticks of disgruntled policeman and just plain disgruntled respectively. Statham is bogged down with an average American accent that makes no sense – his performance would have worked just as well with a regular drawl, but I guess Brits can still only play bad guys or charming homosexuals in US productions.
Most grating of all is the ending. Bear in mind that the introduction of the movie sets out the laws of the “multiverse” – that there are multiple universes all existing within the SAME TIME FRAME. All occurring at once – comprendez? So the ending disregards this rule completely in a sickening manner, making this reviewer want to ram sliced lemons into his foreskin and squeeze in order to transfer the pain from mental to physical. Why make sure you set up such theories in order to throw it all away for a happy, pappy ending? Who knows. In any event, if you disliked (or were indifferent to) the movie up until this point – this will only further your feelings. Sigh!
***GET OUTTA HERE***
I’ve forgotten most of this movie. I watched it 4 hours ago. Avoid renting this and wait for the inevitable Sky Movie Max showings, or the ITV Movie Premiere on a Saturday night, and only watch it if you’re not (a) getting drunk (b) getting head or (c) all of the above. Scratch that – have a stiff one while you watch - it may improve the whole process. This will not change your life, no matter how good the climactic battle between Li and Li on a gantry is.
So does Li save the world? Yeah. Will you care? Probably not.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Things I learned from watching this movie:
o Shooting a car’s front window will break the BACK window o Vets think adrenaline causes hallucinations o Doctors are heartless and/or stupid as hell o Evil multiple-universe selves are perfectly adept at shooting anyone except the people pursuing them, in which case they shoot like a stoned Imperial Stormtrooper on ice o Nobody pays for petrol in the future o The sign that a weapon is futuristic? It goes bleepy-bleep sometimes.
Production Year: 1977 - Action/Adventure - Director: Clint Eastwood - Original Language: English - Classification: 18 years and over - Starring:Clint Eastwood, Sondra Locke, Pat Hingle, William Prince, Bill McKinney
Production Year: 1964 - Action/Adventure - Director: Cyril Endfield - Original Language: English - Classification: Parental Guidance - Starring:Stanley Baker, Jack Hawkins, Ulla Jacobsson, James Booth, Michael Caine, Nigel Green
Production Year: 2002 - Action/Adventure - Director: Vincenzo Natali - Original Language: English - Classification: 15 years and over - Starring:Lucy Liu, David Hewlett, Anne Marie Scheffler, Joseph Scoren, Matthew Sharp, Jeremy Northam
Action/Adventure - Original Language: English - Classification: 12 years and over - Starring:Jack Ging, Marla Heasley, Lance Legault, Melinda Culea, Mr T, Dwight Schultz, Dirk Benedict, George Peppard, Carl Franklin
lol @ futuristic cars going bleepy bleep!! so trooo innit?
Im female and the thought of the sliced lemon's in the foreskin made ME queezy!! it MUST be bad!!
Thanks for the warning, i will defintootley NOT be watching this drivel!
Cheers fee x :0)
Sep 4th, 2002
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