The Cottage (DVD)

...David and Peter kidnap Tracey, the step-daughter of a powerful villain, they think that their fortunes are made. Unfortunately, nothing quite goes to plan. Tracey's step-brother, Andrew, who is part of the plot, is supposed to deliver the ransom money, but doesn't check the bag and it turns out to be tissue paper. And Tracey is not going to be held without a fight. When David goes out to make a phone call, he returns to find that Tracey has run off, ...
...Peter's brother, he is definitely the more street-wise of the two; in fact, it is him who has bullied Peter into helping with the kidnap. David is a bit of a hard case - he looks like he walked straight out of Eastenders - and struggles to come to terms with other people's stupidity. It is this that brings a lot of humour to the film - his gradual realisation that they are all doomed is funny to watch. He works brilliantly with Reece Shearsmith, ... more

When David and Peter kidnap Tracey, the step-daughter of a powerful villain, they think that their fortunes are made. Unfortunately, nothing quite goes to plan. Tracey's step-brother, Andrew, who is part of the plot, is supposed to deliver the ransom money, but doesn't check the bag and it turns out to be tissue paper. And Tracey is not going to be held without a fight. When David goes out to make a phone call, he returns to find that Tracey has run off, after decking Andrew, taking Peter with her. Added to the mix are two Chinese hit-men who have followed Andrew and a village full of very strange people. Will any of them escape with their lives?

I really liked Andy Serkis, who plays David. As Peter's brother, he is definitely the more street-wise of the two; in fact, it is him who has bullied Peter into helping with the kidnap. David is a bit of a hard case - he looks like he walked straight out of Eastenders - and struggles to come to terms with other people's stupidity. It is this that brings a lot of humour to the film - his gradual realisation that they are all doomed is funny to watch. He works brilliantly with Reece Shearsmith, who plays Peter - I really believed the two of them were brothers, even though they look and act completely differently, because their banter was so family-like. Reece Shearsmith is also very funny. He is a complete 'pussy', as Tracey so eloquently puts it, scared of moths, anything that moves and pain - a bit of a problem considering the beatings that he took.

Jennifer Ellison plays Tracey. I'm not sure exactly how much she was actually acting, but she was good in the role - extremely feisty and all too able to look after herself - very like Emily in Brookside. She does swear a lot, which will put some people off - I don't think she said much that didn't include either the 'f' or the 'c' word, but heck, in her position I would have sworn a lot too! Steven O'Donnell plays her step-brother, Andrew and is also good. He is almost as incompetent as Peter, but not quite as funny, mainly because he doesn't get as much air-time.

This is a comedy horror; there are lots of laughs (well I found it funny), but there is also an awful lot of gore. Someone's head gets chopped off with a spade at one point, and we get a close-up of the severed neck. And there's plenty of other blood-spattering moments. With that and the swearing, this is definitely not a film for kiddies, and parents shouldn't think that just because it is a comedy, it will be more watchable for children. There is an 18 rating and it is fully deserved.

The special effects are generally good - not the best that I have ever seen, but they are certainly realistic enough to make me flinch. I didn't however, think much of one of the villagers, who is clearly very badly deformed - unfortunately, it didn't look in the slightest bit natural. However, as the film is at least partly a comedy, I think that the director managed to get away with it - certainly it didn't ruin my overall enjoyment of the film. I liked the way music was used to highlight the major parts of the storyline. Usually it is quite old-fashioned (a la Hitchcock) doom-ridden music, but occasionally some lighter music is thrown in; for example, in one scene where Peter is in a room full of moths and is thrashing around in fear, the music from the Sugar Plum Fairy (at least I think that's what it is) is played, adding to the humour.

There are some extras. The ubiquitous director's commentary, which I listened to for about five minutes - as usual, there's nothing amazing there and it's actually quite annoying - director Paul Andrew Williams seems to think it's necessary to explain exactly what's happening on screen - the moonlight streaming in through the window etc. Then there's a theatrical trailer, a list of cast and crew members (and when I say list, I mean just that - what's the point?) and out-takes. The out-takes are quite funny - Reece Shearsmith is particularly good at fluffing his lines in a funny way. One thing that did annoy me was the way that the extras are set out - they aren't all on one page and the way the titles are written makes it very hard to read them

I had heard nothing but criticism about this film before I watched it. That is exactly why I watched it - I love rubbish horrors, and thought that I would probably enjoy it. And I did, very much. I think having low expectations is a good thing - there is usually a lot less disappointment then. The fact that the film is British made it all the better for me, although I'm not sure how the humour would transfer to other countries - I doubt they'd understand Jennifer Ellison's accent for a start! Of course, it is not perfect; there are plot holes and it is silly and very over-the-top at times, but it provided me with an hour and a half of pure entertainment, and that's all I could ask for. Recommended, although I'd rent rather than buy at the price play.com are currently charging.

The DVD is available from play.com for £12.99.

Classification: 18

Running time: 92 minutes 

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