The Calcium Kid (DVD)

...Spinal Tap’ and affectionately called the mockumentary. Since ‘Tap’ however the mockumentary has been languishing in the doldrums of cinema, only occasionally given a breath of life by Guest, McKean and Shearer’s other attempts at the spoof doc ‘Best in Show’ and ‘A Mighty Wind’. Unfortunately nothing has managed to repeat the sheer hilarity and brilliance of ‘Tap’ and despite Writer/Director Alex De Rakoff’s best efforts ‘The Calcium Kid’ doesn’t ...
...and his upcoming bout with the world middleweight champion Jose Mendez (Michael Pena). Things take an unusual turn when during a training match Pete breaks his hand after punching popular local milkman Jimmy Connelly (Orlando Bloom). With a week to go Pete’s hapless manager Herbie Bush (Omid Djalili) desperate not to lose his shot at the big time persuades Jimmy to fight in Pete’s place as despite the milkman’s stature and inexperience, drinking ... more

‘The Calcium Kid’ falls into that genre so memorably perfected by ‘This is Spinal Tap’ and affectionately called the mockumentary. Since ‘Tap’ however the mockumentary has been languishing in the doldrums of cinema, only occasionally given a breath of life by Guest, McKean and Shearer’s other attempts at the spoof doc ‘Best in Show’ and ‘A Mighty Wind’. Unfortunately nothing has managed to repeat the sheer hilarity and brilliance of ‘Tap’ and despite Writer/Director Alex De Rakoff’s best efforts ‘The Calcium Kid’ doesn’t even come close.

Filmmaker Sebastian Gore-Brown (Mark Heap) is making a documentary about rising British boxing star Pete Wright (Tamer Hassan) and his upcoming bout with the world middleweight champion Jose Mendez (Michael Pena). Things take an unusual turn when during a training match Pete breaks his hand after punching popular local milkman Jimmy Connelly (Orlando Bloom). With a week to go Pete’s hapless manager Herbie Bush (Omid Djalili) desperate not to lose his shot at the big time persuades Jimmy to fight in Pete’s place as despite the milkman’s stature and inexperience, drinking three pints of milk a day has given him bones like steel. So the ‘Calcium Kid’ is born and Jimmy is thrown into a week long whirlwind of good and bad press, adoring fans and the chance to fight the greatest boxer (pound for pound) in the world.

The story itself though predictable isn’t bad. Jimmy’s highs and lows are gently played out with some appealing characters to help keep our interest. The main problem with the script is that it’s just not very funny. That’s not to say there is nothing of merit here, there are moments which will make you smile usually provided by Jimmy’s prostitute mother (the wonderful Ronni Ancona) or angry best friend Stan (played by Timothy Spall’s son Rafe) and I even laughed once or twice. What’s lacking are the big laughs, the memorable lines and set pieces, the film instead being happy to amble along in second gear throughout. Strange then that the gentleness of the comedy is so sharply juxtaposed with a lot of strong swear words which incongruously pop up and earned this film an R rating in the States. I should also warn you that the sight (and sounds) of Orlando Bloom masturbating under his duvet are vastly unpleasant and will shatter any girlish illusions that Legolas has his plastic pants welded on like Action Man.

Bizarrely the unusually monikered Alex De Rakoff’s only directorial credit previous to ‘The Calcium Kid’ is the computer game ‘Grand Theft Auto 2’. Now don’t get me wrong the ‘Grand Theft Auto’ series of games are one of the best and most popular of recent years – it’s just an unusual pedigree. It’s largely irrelevant though as there is nothing of that game’s visual style evident in ‘The Calcium Kid’ and not once does someone drag Jimmy out of his milk float and drive off on a 4mph rampage. This is a very mundanely shot film with an obviously low budget, the only flourishes being De Rakoff’s irritating penchant for freeze-frame and that staple of doc/mockumentary filmmaking, the onscreen caption. Shot on location in London, De Rakoff keeps things simple; Jimmy’s house, the boxing hall, the pub – sets are simple and realistic which is only right for a film of this type. The same down to earth approach is taken with costumes and hair, in fact the only thing that lets the side down on the realism front is Bloom’s tan and occasional slips out of his character’s south-east London accent and into his natural rather more plummy Home Counties inflection.

Where De Rakoff seems keener to leave realism behind is in his cast’s performances. Iranian stand-up Omid Djalili is a funny man and particularly brilliant in the episode of Black Books ‘He’s Leaving Home’ unfortunately as the script doesn’t give him a single funny line his overblown performance as Herbie comes across as irritating and clichéd. In his first leading role Orlando Bloom has an indubitable doe eyed appeal. Bloom looks fantastic on screen and for his female fans this will no doubt be enough to sustain interest for 90 odd minutes. His performance mainly consists of his own brand of face acting, showcased previously in the likes of Troy and POTC and of course as Legolas in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Though he may be an unconvincing milkman (even with his astonishingly perfect teeth) he does convince as an inexperienced, innocent young man completely bewildered by fame. As Jimmy, Bloom specialises in that wide eyed, verge of tears gaze (you know the one, he does it when about to face Menalaus in Troy and again when Jack Sparrow tells him he’s just missed his chance with the delightful Miss Knightley) so much so that he’s in danger of it becoming an overused trademark (luckily it’s still absolutely adorable). So far as stretching Bloom’s range, despite this being a comedy (like Will Turner before him) Jimmy Connelly is very much the straight man, but he does give the opportunity to show off Bloom’s delightfully natural grin a lot more than Legolas ever did.

In the supporting roles impressionist Ronni Ancona impresses as Jimmy’s mum the ‘massage therapist’ though she would have to had her son at nine to make this work logistically that’s not unbelievable for her character. Ex pop strumpet and Mrs. Chris Evans, Billie Piper is Jimmy’s ‘love interest’ Angel but thanks to limited screen time the part is little more than a cameo. In fact their love story amounts to four brief meetings and Bloom accidentally grabbing Piper’s breasts (romantic). So far as actual acting talent goes Rafe Spall is by far the stand out in this cast. As Jimmy’s best friend Stan he’s a consistent scene-stealer a man with a heart of gold but just the on the wrong side of mental - his father’s skill as a character actor must be in the genes. Perhaps the most amusing performance is from Lindsay Marshall as deranged Jimmy fan Margaret Livingstone, she’s not a particularly fine comic actress but as a worryingly accurate mirror to the average Orlando Bloom fan she made me laugh.

As a perfectly pleasant way to spend a couple of hours there are worse things you could do than watch ‘The Calcium Kid’. I doubt many people will actually hate the film, as it would struggle to inspire such a strong feeling. It’s a shame as there is potential here, but any glimmer of real quality is masked by the mediocre script, poor production values and some unfortunate decisions by the director. Mark Heap (the incomparable Brian in ‘Spaced’) as the documentarian Sebastian Gore-Brown is terribly underused. A great shame when his character had the scope to imbue some real humour into mix if only he’d been afforded the kind of dry, mocking narration we got from Rob Reiner in Tap or even Chris Langham’s Roy Mallard in ‘People Like Us’. The disappointing end of ‘The Calcium Kid’ perfectly sums the film up we’re robbed of a climactic fight scene because they obviously couldn’t afford to stage it, instead you’ll have to put up with cameos from Frank Bruno and Chris Eubank. Second-rate, British comedy strikes again (thank god for Shaun of the Dead).

'The Calcium Kid' was released on DVD and Video on August 30th after a limited cinema release in April and is currently available at your local video store.
 

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