"I've seen better films on the Lifetime Network"...

~ Quote from a little old lady in the ladies room after exiting the Saturday matinee of The Black Dahlia ~

Look, there are just some people out there that will watch anything simply because it is 'the thing to see'. The reason I saw this film was because it was the ONLY feature film listed that I had not already seen at the theater.

I was just coming out of the gym, didn't want to go home yet, and decided, "M'eh, why not?"

Well folks, there will be (inevitably) reviews on here who will post why you 'should' see this film, but I'm going to give you the "Why nots".

The film is directed by Brian De Palma.

First off, I am not a Brian De Palma fan. I don't even want to waste time talking about him. In summary, he is just one of those directors you either love, or hate, his films. No middle ground. Quick Examples:

LOVED: Scarface, The Untouchables, & Bruce Springsteen: The Complete Video Anthology 1978-2000

HATE: Every single thing else, yes, that would include, Mission Impossible (gasp).

In fact, when I see a truly atrocious flick (i.e. Snakes on a Plane) ... I am notorious for saying coolly to fellow angry, mumbling viewers as we exit the theater, "Well, at least it wasn't Mission to Mars."

So, I will say this about the film, "At least it wasn't Mission to Mars." Although, several times during the film I felt as if he were giving it his De Palma best.

The film starts off great. It's moody, atmospheric and I truly can allow my imagination to carry me back in time to the 1940's. The opening was a bit over the top and I immediately rolled my eyes thinking, "Oh lord, it begins already," but after about twenty minutes I'm really excited and getting into the film.

Our leads are as follows:

Josh Harnett (Meow) is Officer Dwight "Bucky" Bleicher, also known as "Ice". He's LAPD and a past-time well-known boxer. He's also scrumptious eye candy and we get to hear more of that "Sin City" voice over narration. (Mmmmm).

His partner, Sgt. Leland "Lee" Blanchard, also known as "Fire" is a retired boxer - played by Aaron Eckhart. No offense, but I'm not really sure what it is about this guy that would make anyone think he'd really fit in a film noir, but whatever. He played his part well, but all the time I'm staring at his face I'm thinking, "Isn't that the dude who ended up lunch meat and swinging from a branch in The Missing?"

Maybe it was just me.

We also have Scarlett Johansson in the cast. Personally, I loved her before she became Hollywood’s new T&A girl. (Ghost World anyone?) But, I love her, so I guess it's a sacrifice I'm glad she made as I get to see her in more films (dying to see The Prestige!)

Scarlett is doing what only a blond, large breasted woman of Danish decent could do in a film... she plays the girl of one of the male leads who is secretly coveted by the other male lead.

We have two other women in this film who truly make seeing this mass of pretentious, often boring and predictable drivel, worthwhile.

Mia Kirshner (known only to me from "24," although my father remembers her from "Dracula: The Series" - go figure.)

Kirshner plays, Elizabeth Short, aka "The Victim". We get to know a bit about Elizabeth through reels of film of her 'auditioning'. Though I must have dazed through when/where they found the reels of film and what exactly she was auditioning for... her performance is breathtakingly spectacular. I hope to see her in more films. My goodness, the girl can ACT.

Closing out this cast is Hilary Swank. It's so odd, because she would never have been someone I'd thought ever to like, but I love every single performance she's ever given; whether it be Million Dollar Baby, Insomnia, The Gift, or Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Yes, I actually remember her from that episode) - the woman can convince you she is whatever character she is currently playing.

Excellent cast (though I still don't get the Eckhart thing). Excellent mood. The only problem is that, as is often typical of De Palma, there is a lot of story and script and LOGIC that is trashed in a desperate attempt to make the film VISUALLY stylish.

For once, I will not reveal any details about the film - but you will know what I mean when you see it, or if you've already seen it. Somewhere around three quarters of the way you get the feeling he groined the writers and just went buck wild.

The conclusion is VERY rushed. It made a poor attempt of concluding things in a La Confidential Way, but ended up being just painful. Awful. Awkward. Messy.

I swear, I am not kidding. They throw in random characters that have nothing to do with anything. Others, only a loose, VERY loose connection to anything else.

And, honestly, what was with MOM? Anyone? Anyone? Several people were laughing hysterically at Mom, but truly, how out of place was her character? It was like, hello? Is this the same movie???????? Fiona Shaw played the part well, but I did feel as if I stumbled into a David Lynch time warp for a minute there.

I guess that was the whole problem. It started off wanting to be La Confidential, then morphed into this seedy Mulholland Drive thing, and concluded like some bad 1960's drive-in show... I imagine De Palma was aiming at producing a "gritty" film, but it lacked grit...

There was absolutely NO grit I say.

None.

That really concludes all I have to say about the film. I will give the required "Synopsis"... courtesy of imdb.com.

"Based on a true unsolved murder. In the 1940s, young and beautiful Elizabeth Short came to Hollywood, intending to become a famous actress. However, it would not be her career but her brutal murder in 1947 that would bring her fame, as "The Black Dahlia". The investigation of her death became an obsession to millions and revealed a vast conspiracy throughout the police department."