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Member since:08.03.2001
Reviews:254
Members who trust:141
A magazine consists of three essential elements. Staples to hold the whole thing together, pages to make up the bulk, and a celebrity feature to make you buy it.
And once you've read the celebrity feature, there's only usually a couple of things to read in the magazine to hold your interest. The same applies to this desperate attempt to create a cool, modern thriller.
This is (the clumsily titled) Swordfish.
***THE PLOT***
The story follows Hugh Jackman (X-Men) as one of the worlds' best - and most good-lookingest - hackers, seduced (kinda) by the very non-ginger Ginger, played by Halle Berry (X-Men, The Flintstones) into helping out Gabriel's criminal team after their original choice makes a blunder at customs.
Hugh is taken to Gabriel's trendy club, where he is forced (in a rather odd scene) to hack into the FBI's computer in 60 seconds (maybe a nod to the director Dominic Sena's previous effort, Gone In 60 Seconds), which comes as a bit of a blow, but he succeeds.
From there it's a matter of Hugh lounging around Gabriel's pad, breaking the odd security code and waiting for his promised $10 million, so he can get to see his daughter, who currently lives with his wasted, porn-star ex wife and her new porn king mogul hubbie. Phew!
The only thing standing in the gang's way is Don Cheadle's special agent, who busted Jackman before, and wants to know why he's breaking parole to come to LA.
***YAWN***
Swordfish's celebrity feature is its very cool opening sequence, which opens on John Travolta's (Blow Out, Pulp Fiction) character Gabriel giving a diatribe on movie endings (very post-modern *dahhling*) and possibly the best slow-motion movie explosion bar the ones in the Matrix sequels, ending with Hugh Jackman staring uneasily into a ball bearing (you'll see).
The film meanders along well enough, trying to make typing seem interesting (it's not) which it does (gasp!) only through Jackman's natural talent for being entertaining. Halle Berry and John Travolta don't exactly light up the screen, and it really is Jackman's movie, with only Cheadle providing the other true acting talent. Vinnie Jones pops up from time to time, repeating his hard-man act that is now as entertaining as a mouse-turd on a skewer.
Except for the opening sequence, the action scenes (count 'em... three...) are nothing special. There is a chase down a cliffside which is well done - but erally bloody stupid when you think about it for too long. A shoot-out on a busy street tries to be like Heat but ends up falling a little flat.
Finally, there is the hard-to-swallow finale (you'll believe a bus can fly!). The rest is filled with cheap titillation (Hi Halle!), cheesy lines and techno-talk which will go right over the heads of some people - myself included. Oh, and there's a couple of "trendy" insights (a Survivor joke and a quick shot of a motorised scooter) which will ensure that this film dates quicker than an open carton of milk. In the desert. During summer. On a light simmer.
So, in comparison to an actual magazine, this is Hello! Glossy, full of bits to make you go hmmm, but essentially empty. And in three weeks, you'll be hard pushed to remember it. The soundtrack's pretty good though, with the usual movie score interrupted by some cheeps and tweets from Paul Oakenfold.
Grab popcorn. Brain off. Watch. Leave. Giggle childishly at having seen Halle Berry's nawks.
~~~~~~~Things I learned from watching this movie:
Corpses are best left to defrost in the wine cellar
Typing really isn't exciting, no matter who you have between your legs
Hackers use some wacky imaginary computer systems that make programming seem like more than just a bunch of random commands like "if next <> 20 run varitime".
Cops are not very open minded
Porn stars are apparently losers, but the only A-list actress in the movie shows her fun-bags. Hollywood is not without a sense of irony. No, wait - it is.
Thanx for reading!(C) P$ 2004 (revised)
How helpful would this review be to a person making a buying decision? Rating guidelines
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This really does not sound good. I have never seen it and I think it will be staying that way now. Sharron xxx
Howiemon 01.08.2001 01:19
Brilliant review, a very readable and enjoyable style of writing. However, forgotten it after three weeks? I had difficulty remembering almost anything and I only saw it a couple of days ago!
emu128 30.07.2001 18:50
Might go see this, cheers and thanks for a great opinion ~M~
The sort of action thriller for which the phrase "high octane" could have been ... more
conceived,Swordfishstars John Travolta as Gabriel Shear, an enigmatic criminal operator who is as admired as he is feared. Using sexy sidekick Ginger (Halle Berry) as bait, ...
Postage & Packaging: £1.21 Availability: Usually dispatched within 1-2 business days...
Log on, tap in and kick back for cyber-edged action and suspense. Your password for ... more
excitement is SWORDFISH.Use a computer, go to prison. The terms of Stanley Jobson's (Hugh Jackman - X-Men) parole are clear. Yet a $10 million payday awaits the super h...
The sort of action thriller for which the phrase "high octane" could have been ... more
conceived,Swordfishstars John Travolta as Gabriel Shear, an enigmatic criminal operator who is as admired as he is feared. Using sexy sidekick Ginger (Halle Berry) as bait, ...
Postage & Packaging: Free! Availability: Usually dispatched within 24 hours...
Log on. Hack in. Go anywhere. Steal everything. John Travolta stars as Gabriel Shear a ... more
sinister mastermind with an elite criminal crew who are desperately trying to access information locked inside a complicated computer system that contains governme...
Postage & Packaging: £0.00 Availability: 3-5 working days
Advantages: great acting from all involved, even Vinnie Jones!, Not the usual summer blockbuster, so offers something the others don’t., The directing and production, exemplified by the first few sequences of the film Disadvantages: Is a little inconsistent in places, Look at John Travolta’s hair cut!!
ickle_devil 06.08.2001 ·
Read review
Ciao members have rated this review on average: very helpful
Review of Swordfish (DVD)
![Swordfish [DVD] [2001]](http://picnicb.ciao.com/uk/78531121.jpg "Swordfish [DVD] [2001]")
Jul 30th, 2001
(Apr 11th, 2004)
very helpful by (100%):
