Dammit, Robert Rodriguez, make your mind up! First you make us all think “how he do that?” with the super cheap El Mariachi, then remake it (sort of) as the ultra-cool Desperado. From Dusk Till Dawn made popcorn fall to the floor everywhere, and The Faculty was a trés hip mainstream horror/sci-fi flick. And now kids films? Oh Robert, why hast thou forsaken us? Well, all these thoughts and more whirred around my brain-pipes until recently. Now I just wish I was a kid again. Why? Here’s why.

***Involved Plot
The spy-parents met and fell in love whilst assigned to watch each other, and having ickle babbies made them want to settle down – so they did. Now they live in a modest (ha!) home, with the nippers in question, Juni being afflicted with warts and a very Jar Jar Binks way of pressing buttons that just happen to be the right ones to save the day. And save the day they must. By chance, Juni’s fave TV show is a Teletubbies-on-PCP land of surrealism, presented by Fegan Floop (Alan Cumming). The show is all “believe in your dreams” pap, but it seems to hit a spot with ver kids. There is, however a sinister side behind the day-glo Floop-fun. His colourful sidekicks are in fact mutated spies, missing in action. They are a failed experiment to create a super-army for an evil investor (Mr Lisp, played by Robert Patrick from Terminator 2). Floop’s failures are beginning to grate, but he and his assistant, Minion (Tony Shalhoub from The Man Who Wasn’t There) have a new plan. Robot doubles of the children of every world leader. They call them – Spy Kids. Do you see? They’re super-strong, and nastier than maggots in your corn flakes. Only problem is, they can’t talk. The one thing that can get them to be perfect little robo-brats is “The Third Brain”. Guess who knows where it is? Yup, the Spy Parents. After they are kidnapped by another of Floop’s twisted inventions – the Thumb-Thumbs (giant robot thumb-creatures – very cool!), it’s up to the wee sprouts to get into action, learn the spy trade quick, and get Mom & Dad back sharpish. With more than a little help from some cool gadgets.

Admittedly, the CGI is a little ropey, but not as bad as The Rock at the end of The Mummy Returns (it’d be a hard push to get any worse…). Kids will probably show little concern at this, because the story whacks along at such a pace that I thought someone had spliced parts out. The plot is thin, but let’s face it, ankle-biters don’t want exposition and ruminations, they want body jokes (check), kids in charge (check) and a bit of schmaltz (check). Oh, and some freaks (check!). The soundtrack is also a little annoying, with music not really adding much to some scenes, and downright annoying in others. Not that I was expecting a vampire mariachi band again, Mr Rodriguez…

Message #1 - Families stick together, no matter what.
Message #2 - Believe in yourself.
Message #3 – Appearances can be deceiving

The kids are very good in the lead roles, they should impress in the sequel (which is set to feature… Ricardo Moltaban! Remember? “Boss, The plane! The plane!”) as they do here – no whinging, no Culkin annoyance. Incidentally, the Culkin Annoyance Scale (or CAS) is now a standard measurement of how irritating a child star is, 10 being Home Alone, 1 being That Odd Cameo In The Rock Video. I understand this is to be reformatted, however, as the Jake Lloyd Yahoo-Ometer. The grown ups aren’t bad either, Alan Cumming is great as ever, here with a passable American twang. Tony Shalhoub can do no wrong, and his Minion is a creepy treat. There are some cool cameos too, which I won’t ruin for you. Teri Hatcher. Damn! Well, there are a few others. G…. no, I can’t bring myself to do it.