Did you ever watch "Call My Bluff" in the days when Arthur Marshall and the dapper Frank Muir were team captains? Arthur Marshall was delightful - so much fun, he reminded me of a lovely pink marshmallow - all squishy and warm. But it was Frank Muir's business-like manner which I loved most, especially the instruction with which he would commence his definitions "Picture if you will..."

I have always wanted to use this expression in one of my reviews for Ciao but usually I forget. However I was reminded of the expression earlier today and decided there and then that it would get an airing today...

So...picture if you will the beautiful panorama of Glencoe in the Scottish highlands. You are driving in your car admiring the views - the mist rolling over the dark green, almost inky rugged hills, over to the left cool fresh water is burbling from a spring and as far as you can see is bruised, brooding sky.

But what's this? Two youths up ahead, standing in the middle of the road, waving frantically. Look, there's a motorbike lying by the verge, they must have broken down. Better slow down to ask if we can do anything...

THE PLOT

Ronnie Wotherspoon works in a poky little joke shop in an Edinburgh back street. The children who come to buy stink bombs and plastic turds take advantage of him, then their mothers come in to the shop to thump Ronnie for selling the kids things which stain the carpet or make them itch all day long.

His pal, Will Bryce, works for the council, sweeping the pavements of the city. It's a thankless task, kids skip through the piles of leaves he has neatly created meaning he has to start all over again.

The two are disillusioned, there has to be a better way than this. Craving excitement and wanting to make some easy money, they hatch a plan. Wearing disguises borrowed from Ronnie's shop they will head out into the highlands on Ronnie's motorbike and hold up the tourist coaches taking cash and valaubles from the helpless old dears on holiday.

To begin with it's great fun and a nice little earner. Disguised as a clown and a wolfman, they flag down buses and cars, threaten the occupants with a puffer gun filled with sneezing powder, hold out a bag for the loot and thank the tourists for their kind donations before heading off into the hills on the motorbike.

They quickly gain notoriety, making the local news. Some elderly ladies even go to the coach tours office asking "Is this the bus that gets held up?" and eagerly handing over their money for tickets when this is confirmed.

It is on one such coach that Will notices Margot, an attractive young tour guide. Their eyes meet through the gap in his mask but Ronnie, sensing that Will is smitten, tells him to hurry up. A few days later they pass on an escalator and Margot recognises Will. She follows him and he admits who he really is. Margot, though, is on their side and starts to give Will and Ronnie inside information about coach times.

The money and valuables start to pile up but Will and Ronnie realise that they can't even spend the money. Everyone knows that they have no money, it would only raise suspicion if they suddenly had spending power. Furthermore, the police are now involved. What was at first a quirky money spinning thing with benefits for the local tour operators is now having an adverse effect on the tourist industry and an irate holidaying American policeman, Fritz Spender, who was held up on a coach has made it his mission to catch the clown and the wolfman.

Margot makes Will and Ronnie understand that they cannot continue, but what will become of the clown and the wolfman. They decide on one last mission and then it will all be over...

THE CAST
Vincent Friell (Will) and Joe Mullaney (Ronnie) were unknown when this film was made in 1985. I have not seen anything else with Mullaney since but a few years ago I thought I noticed Friell in Trainspoting - a little detective work confirmed that he played the part of Diane's father (Ewan McGregor meets him at breakfast after he has spent the night with his schoolgirl daughter).

Both put in excellent performances and it is a shame that they did not follow the potential they demonstrated in "Restless Natives". They complement each other well and lend a credibilty to their relationship which is essentially that of two misfits who find company together.

Teri Lally takes the part of Margot, a small part but she is lovely and sweet and it is easy to see why Will would fall for her. A regular on "Take the High Road", she had previously appeared in Bill Forsyth's 1984 movie "Comfort and Joy"

The ever lugubrious Bernard Hill ("Boys from the Black Stuff" amongst many other dramas) plays Will's dad. In complete contrast to his Will's expectations, Mr Bryce sits at the breakfast table reading about the exploits of the clown and the wolfman, saying he admires their initiative. Again, this is a small role but a good choice for the part.

Ned Beatty is fantastic as Fritz Bender the Amerrican cop intent on catching the hold-up merchants. An excellent performance, he blusters and bullies, his incompetence is laughable and the two heores outwit him every time.

An interesting and amusing little double cameo comes in the shape of Nanette Newman and her film director husband, Bryan Forbes who are held up on a remote highland road while sightseeing. Look out for Mel Smith too.

MY THOUGHTS

"Restless Natives" is a great film in the modern British tradition which should have been a big box office hit. It is reminiscent of the gentle comedies of Bill Forsyth ("Local Hero", "Gregory's Girl") parlty because it is set in Scotland and partly because it shares that heart-warming style in which the more pathetic or absurd characters can be laughed at but not humiliated or ridiculed. Will and Ronnie are criminals - this cannot be denied. They are also not especially bright and they are nerdish loners happy in each others company but they are never the butt of cruel jokes. They are likeable young men and the viewer is made to back them every step of the way.

Here, the comedy is understated but very, very funny. Ronnie and Will customize items from the joke shop to threaten their victims and leave in a puff of snezeing powder. When things start to take off they credit a credit card swiper for the befit of those passengers with no cash on them. When one passenger says he onl;y has a fifty pound note, Will helpfully calls up to the passengers seated further back and asks if anyone has change.

Director, Michael Hoffman ("Soapdish", "A Midsummers Night Dream"), has taken an average story and a modest budget but combined it with some great photography using highland scenery to maximise the impact of the film. Add to this a fantastic soundtrack composed by Stuart Adamson and played by his band, Big Country, this is a real winner. The music has Celtic influences and the haunting guitar strains are a perfect choice for the quiet panning shots across the calm of Glencoe and then become, pacy guitar riffs as the clown and the wolfman speed off into the distance with their spoils. At only 86 minutes the film seems quite short but I don't feel that anything is missing. Nothing is surplus to the telling of the story and everything here has a purpose within the story.

Sadly this film is not available on video or DVD. I am not entirely sure whether it has ever been but I would love to know if anyone finds a copy! My copy is a very old TV recording and may not last much longer. It is watched at least a couple of times a year and I never tire of it.

With no sex scenes, little swearing and almost "slapstick" violence this is a somewhat unusual movie by todays standards but it makes it a film with very wide apppeal. I challenge you to resist the charms of the clown and the wolfman!