Honestly, people think I have problems. At least I don’t try to raise golems. Golems are monsters made of clay given life by supernatural means – the legend originates from a Jewish tradition and is linked with the Christian belief that god created the first man out of clay. The “go” word for a golem is “emeth” which means truth – and they carry this word around with them as a charm around their neck, carrying out their masters fiendish plans no questions asked. BUT, to erase the first “e” from the word spells “meth” which means - “he is dead.” This will stop the monster in its tracks.

Following the events of Puppet Master which saw creator of the homicidal figurines Andre Toulon take his own life, his corpse is brought back to life thanks to his naughty marionettes.

All cheap horror movies work by the same code of gore, stupidity and cheap titillation. So does PM2 meet all these criteria? Oh yeah!

At the other end of the effects spectrum (and let me assure you, this is an EFFECTS movie ‘cause the acting is fairly below par) are the puppets. These pesky guys & gals look like they were dreamed up by McFarlane Toys and have distinct personalities based around their particular homicidal “gift”. Pinhead has a tiny head and man-sized hands, Blade has – um – a blade, plus a hook for a hand, Leech Woman vomits live leeches, Jester is just naughty and has a head that spins into various combinations of emotion, Tunneler has a drill bit for a head and finally Torch has – ba dum ba dah! A flamethrower arm. The gang all move in stop-motion unless close-ups occur, which gives a great old school feel to the movie (it was made in 1985 so it’s pretty much as old school as you can get!). You must worry when the effects act more convincingly and with better range than the principal actors – but then if Philip Schofield can get upstaged by a frickin’ sock puppet…

If you’re a fan of corny lines as well as corny music, then you will also be well served by this feature. Providing the most entertainment are sex-hungry couple Lance and Wanda – the latter being the spouter of the two worst sex-lines in any reanimated puppet movie ever. My favourite has to be: “The only time I wanna feel someone tossing and turning is when I’m helping them”. Gumph! At least some good acting occurs (despite dodgy accents) in a flashback to Toulon’s past, where a little about the puppet’s history comes to light.

After the character building (Lance and Wanda are horny, Caroline is the hero and very determined, Patrick her brother is a bad drunk – this takes HALF AN HOUR TO ESTABLISH THIS) the “horror” is a little too sporadic. The evil puppets may well be impressive in their design, but they are frustratingly contradictory. Some seem to be able to traverse long distances very quickly, yet when it comes to murderising the occupants of the spooky hotel, they are as speedy as a slug searching through an encyclopaedia. They also look rather crap when fighting with anyone – just like Chucky ion the Childs Play movies, they are inanimate when battered by the actors, and so show all the menace of a murderous blancmange. The worst of all these is Torch’s battery with a thrown fire extinguisher – he simply collapses.

Don’t even get me started on the intricacies of the puppets either. One of the gang is caught early on killing Caroline’s brother, and is dissected. The investigators find gears and levers inside it. So why, when the puppets move, do they not emit a whirring noise? Why don’t people being attacked very slowly by foot-high puppets just kick then across the room? The writer David Pabian has formed a script with plot holes so large you can drive a frickin’ MIG fighter through them. The first thing the investigators do when in the hotel is place cameras all around and check every room – so how come they don’t find Toulon’s lair where he builds the puppets? And why don’t the cameras pick up footage of the puppets strolling around (well, except one but that’s a key plot device)? So many questions that the at times inventive gore does not make up for…

It’s not the worst movie ever. It’s not the best movie ever. It’s just a straightforward hack ‘n’ slash kinda movie, but with puppets as the main protagonists. Gimmicky and insanely camp at times (the actor who portrays Toulon has some fantastic moments of villainy, including very over the top speeches about immortality), it’s a good enough diversion for a quiet night. Beats the live action Pinocchio movie anyway.