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Member since:08.03.2001
Reviews:254
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How many pirate movies have I seen in my life? Er…none. The nearest celluloid exposure to those swarthy sea-dogs I can think of is Cap’n Hook in the Peter Pan movie. Pirates just don’t seem to be anyplace in the wacky world of Hollywoodland.
Thankfully, someone else has noticed this. All your murky maritime (and hence wet) dreams may come true* when you witness the only good movie ever to be based on a theme park ride. EVER!!!
Avast ye, it’s The Pirates Of The Caribbean.
***ARRR! HERE BE THE PLOT!***
It’s pirate years – who cares what period of history? An English military ship rescues a small lad with a mysterious gold trinket around his neck. This is quickly pinched by a young girl – Elizabeth - who fears he will be mistaken for a pirate if he is seen sporting it.
Flash forward eight years, and Lizzie is now all growed up and looking a lot like a tomboyish footballer (Keira Knightley). After catching up with the similarly older lad from the prologue – William (Orlando Bloom) we learn that she is potentially due to be betrothed, Mills & Boon style, to a dashing military bod (Jack Davenport). There follows an unfortunate series of events, which not only introduce us to stoner/pirate Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) but also a-rouse the interest of a haggard bunch of pirates led by the
treacherous Barbarossa (Geoffrey Rush).
These pirates have a bit of a bony problem – they nicked some cursed swag from an Atzec chest. So now, they are the living dead, and must return all the gold to the chest (plus maybe do something a little more…that’d be telling…) so they can go all human-like again.
As the crew of the dreaded “Black Pearl” drift towards their quarry, unlikely alliances are forged, and the game is afoot. Can Cap’n Jack lead William the blacksmith to his destiny – and his potential kissing-partner? What d’ye think?
***CONSIDER ME TIMBERS SHIVERED***
This is just one of those movies I knew I’d like. The trailer was great. I’d deliberately avoided reading reviews, behind the scenes tomfoolery, watching interviews, the full whack. I did not want a single person’s view to influence my expectations. And I’d all but succeeded until on of my mates told me I’d love the movie. Fortunately, he decided it was in my best interests to go into the movie cold, and refused to reveal anything further to me. Bastard! You don’t show the mouse the cheese then slap it in the face with it!
In any event, my money is paid and the movie has been watched. In a strange way, I am similarly loathe to divulge too much about the story. It’s a simple enough one – boy rescues girl. Alongside this is the tale of Cap’n Jack trying to get his beloved ship back, the pirates to regain their mortality, and the English navy trying to get the girl back too. Within the boundaries of its 2-hours-or-so running time, we become sympathetic to everyone. There are no **really** bad guys – sure the pirates are mean, but their motivations are human, not monstrous. The English navy are a bunch of dicks, but they too are not fully without compassion. And you can always trust a blacksmith.
***HARD A “STAR” BOARD!***
The A-list actor’s acting is all as good as you’d expect it to be. This being a 12, there are no huge efforts in terms of dramatic pathos – but each and every person is a delight to watch. Best part is, every single supporting character is interesting and memorable. The Spanish –sounding midget only has one line but he’s always there on Cap’n Jack’s “commandeered” ship. Barbarossa’s monkey is more emotive than Steven Segal (and doesn’t have a crappy ponytail). Then there’s the feisty ex-girlfriends of Cap’n Jack, the dreadlocked pirate, the parrot…the list goes on but I never get bored of remembering things from it.
Everyone says it, and they’re right – Johnny Depp is the best thing about the movie – but there are quite simply no bad things about it. He is the reddest rose in the shrub, but smells just as sweet as his flowery brethren.
All that has set sail from my mind-sea is the soundtrack, which had no stand-out tunes at all – standard action cues and drifting background themes. Nothing on a par with classic soundtracks, which is a sham, because this film is a sold-gold guarantee to be a Sunday-afternoon favourite with kids for decades to come.
***SPLICE THE MAINBRACE! OR SOMETHING!***
Lastly, the effects. All perfect - the least CGI-like CGI you are likely to see until next year. Not only does it surpass Harryhausen’s skeleton attack in Jason & The Argonauts, but it serves the story and never resorts to those über-irritating “special effects zooms right up to the camera” shots. If you don’t already know, the pirate crew of the Black Pearl have their cursed-side revealed when they step into moonlight. This leads to some fantastic effects work, not least of all during the denouement when they drift in and out of falling moonbeams, switching flawlessly from human to skeleton form. AND THEY LOOK JUST LIKE THEIR BE-FLESHED COUNTERPARTS! My cup of superlatives runneth over and my nipples explode with delight (thanks, John!).
Despite my preconceptions that any pirate clichés present would make me bury my head in a jar of mustard, they all made me grin like a loon. A pirate even goes “arrrrrr!” and it bloody rocks! Walking the plank, harding a starboard, it’s all there!
The film succeeds because it does not open itself up to comparison with any other movies – does not resort to gimmickry nicked from other films, and has flaws so tiny that you won’t remember them by the time Cap’n Jack closes his wonky compass. You’ll believe it’s possible for an action movie to exist without any wire-sodding-fu.
In all, this is a film everyone should be forced to watch, and if they don’t like it, they obviously suffer from a severe dose of non-movie-loving-itis, and should be banished to Mars forthwith to let their eyes bulge out of their skull like Governor Ahnuld in Total Recall. And then be made to watch xXx.
Bring on the (already in pre-production) sequels!
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Things I learned from watching this movie:
o Acting monkeys are great! o Rum explodes o Pirates like to loot, pillage, and eat granny smiths o Cutlery makes perfectly acceptable cannon ammunition o It is entirely plausible for a blacksmith with only a drunken old man for a friend to become an expert, acrobatic swordsman by simply practising on his own for 3 hours a day.
Production Year: 2002 - Action/Adventure - Director: Vincenzo Natali - Original Language: English - Classification: 15 years and over - Starring:Lucy Liu, David Hewlett, Anne Marie Scheffler, Joseph Scoren, Matthew Sharp, Jeremy Northam
Production Year: 2002 - Action/Adventure - Director: Rob Cohen - Original Language: English - Classification: 15 years and over - Starring:Vin Diesel, Samuel L. Jackson, Asia Argento
Production Year: 1964 - Action/Adventure - Director: Cyril Endfield - Original Language: English - Classification: Parental Guidance - Starring:Stanley Baker, Jack Hawkins, Ulla Jacobsson, James Booth, Michael Caine, Nigel Green
Action/Adventure - Director: Gore Verbinski - Original Language: English - Classification: 12 years and over - Starring:Bill Nighy, Keira Knightley, Johnny Depp, Geoffrey Rush, Orlando Bloom, Chow Yun-Fat
"Acting monkeys are great!" Got to agree with you there. Very entertaining stuff - Arrrrrrrrr! Zx
Calypte 08.04.2004 13:18
Ah, see, the lesson I took from this is that it's entirely possible for a blacksmith to become an acrobatic swordsman when he's previously spent 18 months poncing about it tights and a blond wig. Or something. And gosh - you loved this film just a bit, didn't you?!
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Apr 7th, 2004
(Apr 8th, 2004)
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