hi, i like listening to hip hop and r 'n' b music, going out with mates watchin films, just about an...
hi, i like listening to hip hop and r 'n' b music, going out with mates watchin films, just about anything really..... except shopping, i HATE it!!
Member since:19.08.2000
Reviews:55
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Mark: Message in a Bottle stars Kevin Costner, Robin Wright-Penn, and special guest star Rose McGowan as the P.T. Barnum might-as-well-be-bearded lady. I don't know about you, Jerry, but I'm sending out an S.O.S. to the world!
Jerry: (smiling) Did you say "Massage in a Bottle"? I think that bespeaks a kind of bankrupt morality which is damaging to the spiritual lives of children!
Mark: Jerry, your tie's too tight! Proverbial strong silent type and robo-actor Costner is the celluloid spawn of the unholy union between quiet men Henry Fonda and Gary Cooper. He's so wooden, indigenous peoples practice slash and burn on his moss-covered gut. What's his character's name, "Cigar Store Indian"? If he gets an itch, could it be termites? Can you tell his age if you count the rings around his nose - er - trunk? In this flick, he moves from Waterworld to waterlogged world. Now that he's done The Postman, are all his performances mailed in?
Jerry: (smiling) Is that actress Rebecca Gayheart in this film? Rebecca GAYheart??? As a Christian, I'd like to unroll a latex condom over such deviance to prevent an unwanted pregnancy of depravity.
Mark: Message to all the ships at sea: Not since the heyday of Christopher Cross has Sailing been so dull. Kevin's a boat builder. Did you see the frame he was building, Jerry?
Jerry: (smiling) I certainly did, Mark. It was a triangular frame - lavender if I'm not mistaken. With a rainbow bow and black leather rigging. This is a sailing ship that role-models the homosexual lifestyle! They brazenly acknowledge that this boat will hoist fags!
Mark: FLAGS, Jerry, you homophobic ninny. Flags!
Jerry: (smiling) Did you notice Mr. Costner is carrying a purse?
Mark: That's not a purse. That's his swelling gut, Jerry.
Jerry: (smiling) And in that sailing scene, the puffy white clouds overhead are clearly engaging in lewd and lascivious behavior!
Mark: Grand old actor Paul Newman's in this movie too in a role Wilford Brimley was born to play. He's a kooky coot who cuts Kevin's hair, shrink-wraps the clippings, and sells "Newman's Own Costner Hair Fragments" to the public to raise money for charity. "It beats croutons," says Paul. And if you don't think those hair fragments are scarce, take a close look at Kevin's noggin. That hairline is rolling back faster than the Red Sea in The Prince of Egypt.
Jerry: (smiling) See this $5 bill, Mark? Not only is "SEX" written in clearly visible subliminal lettering, but so is "DEPRAVED GAY SEX." Shameful!
Mark: Have you ever gotten a message in a bottle, Jerry?
Jerry: (smiling) Yes, Mark. I was drinking like a fish when the bottles began to speak. Like a chorus of Budweiser frogs they beseeched me to hear the Word of God. Suddenly the face of the Virgin Mary appeared on a Starbucks low-fat scone and authorized me to make the world safe from Teletubbies because, frankly, they're driving the Lord nuts.
Mark: I got a message once. But it was in a box of Cap'n Crunch cereal. Although it was no love poem, it did offer me 25 cents of my next purchase of Crunch Berries. That's putting your money where your mouth is!
Jerry: (smiling) That Tinky Winky is Gay, I tell you. You'll see! Just wait until your three-year-old boy develops a sudden interest in disco dancing and old Judy Garland movies, not to mention a suspicious fascination with David Duchovny. Why, I've seen toddlers describe their diaper ensemble as "fabulous!" Our moral foundations are crumbling, I tell you!
Mark: Uh, okay, Jerry. Any final words on Message in a Bottle?
Jerry: I didn't see it, Mark. But it definitely promotes homosexuality and endangers the welfare of our children. Just like that new WB series with that young lady in college: Fellatio-icity.
Mark: Up next, a lengthy review of a movie you've never heard of and have absolutely no intention of seeing....
How helpful would this review be to a person making a buying decision? Rating guidelines
Production Year: 1999 - Drama, Thriller - Director: M. Night Shyamalan - Original Language: English - Classification: 15 years and over - Starring: Olivia Williams, Glenn Fitzgerald, Mischa Barton, Bruce Willis, Haley Joel Osment, Toni Collette
Production Year: 2004 - Drama - Director: Nick Cassavetes - Original Language: English - Classification: 15 years and over, 12 years and over - Starring: Rachel McAdams, Ryan Gosling, Gena Rowlands
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![Message In A Bottle [DVD] [1999]](http://picnica.ciao.com/uk/78550698.jpg "Message In A Bottle [DVD] [1999]")
Aug 27th, 2000
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