I wasn’t expecting much from Tombraider, some mindless, no brain required action for a boring evening in. God, I can’t believe I even got less than that.
Angelina Jolie plays Lara Croft, the incredibly wealthy orphaned Daughter off an eminent archaeologist who everyone in the film seemed to have met at some point or another. She lives in a huge mansion, bungee jumping in the atrium and going tomb raiding for fun.
Living with her is Bryce, a bit of a techie scruffbag. I’m not sure weather he was supposed to be her brother, staff or what, and the butler Hillary, played by Chris Barrie (Rimmer from Red Dwarf and Gordon Brittass from the Britass empire) who I think is ace and I’ll have nothing said against him.
Lying in bed one night at the time of the great planetary alignment, which conveniently is the anniversary of her fathers death, she hers a clock ticking under the stairs of an 83 room mansion in a secret room (believable so far?). So she drags everyone out of bed because this clock is ticking and low and behold there is an ancient key to the triangle of time in the middle of it.
The triangle of time is and relic, broken in two, which if joined on the day of planetary alignment will give the holder the power to control
time. This day comes once every 5000 years. We are told this through some flashbacks to Lara’s Father, which are frankly subtle as a brick.
She takes the clock to her Father’s old friend Wilson (the fantastic Leslie Phillips). Que. Clumsy speeches about the clock and what a great man her father was. Blah, blah, blah.
Wilson points her in the direction of Manfred Powell (who happens to have known her Father). An antiquities lawyer who says he knows nothing about the clock but then steals it from her in a big raid on her house involving a mini getting crushed (they should be done for that sacrilege).
He then goes of to find the triangle, helped by Lara’s ex boyfriend and she follows him (do you still care?).
Here we get some mysterious children in ancient temples (probably because the script writers were too lazy to think of a better way for her to find it) and a lot of Indiana Jones clue reading and booby trap dodging, obvious from a mile away and not nearly as exciting.
We get some Buddhist monks (who also knew her Father, and frankly I’m getting sick of him) I’m not sure what the point of them was, maybe I was so used to having everything explaining to me by now it was too subtle to be noticed.
Given that the plot is so incredibly obvious that you get bored waiting for it, I’m gonna leave that alone now.
The special effects are ok, but you would expect better from a modern film especially when it doesn’t have the quality of script to get away with it. The action sequences are painfully slow and some are even slowed down even more, so you it’ll take you more time to be unimpressed.
The acting was mediocre with the few comedy moments falling flat on the face most of the time. The only bit I thought remotely funny was the butler in a bulletproof vest and slippers. However, you can’t really expect much with such a dire, clumsy and patronising script. I don’t like being spoon-fed; I like to work a bit out for myself through clever subtleties and inferences. The line where we get an explanation of what tempus fugit means is a prime example, watch out for it if you haven’t switched off by now.
An attempt to introduce a bit of sex was apparent from early on with gratuitous shots of Lara’s crotch and her wandering round for the whole film with giant unmoving baps sticking out for us all to see. I suppose if you like that sort of thing it’s great, and it does stay true to the computer sprite, but again subtle as a brick.
We saw, early on in the film a shower scene, nothing exciting really, which led to the following conversation with my other half:
BF ‘what’s this got to do with the story?’ ME ‘There trying to add a bit of sex to it’ BF ‘What for, we never saw Indiana Jones in the shower and if we did it was a tin one and it was funny’ ME ‘yeah but she’s a girl with big baps, your supposed to like it’ BF ‘Well its just crap, they’re not showing anything, it’s boring’
So we have a mans perspective on this. Universal opinion? Maybe not, but I wont be accused of not liking it because in jealous of her tits.
I also have a problem with Angelina Jolies lips. They stick out something chronic, like she’s had some allergic reaction to a bee sting or something. Maybe it supposed to be sexy but for me it just kind of gets in the way. It did when I watched the ‘Bone Collector’, is it just me?
So, do I have anything good to say about the film? Well yes a few things.
Angelina Jolie’s English accent is impressive. Far superior to Renee Zelweggers Bridget Jones and it doesn’t grate on you. It’s posh, as they all are, but she is ‘Lady’ Lara Croft so it’s relevant.
Some appearances from some great Britsh actors like Chris Barrie, Leslie Phillips, Jon Voight and Carl Chase.
Although the baddie was a snotty English bloke, as per usual, most of the goodies were English and it evened us out a bit.
We get a bit of the Clangers, which I watched for a few seconds instead of the film. More of the Clangers would have improved this film no end.
If you like breasts, this is the film for you.
Lara’s Bra is magnificent, the star of the show it should get an award for best supporting actress (I slay myself!)
Overall I thought the film was crap, and its rare I see a film a really don’t like. My standards are quite low. If you liked the game, or Angelina Jolie, maybe you’ll like it but don’t expect much, you’ll be disappointed.
How helpful would this review be to a person making a buying decision? Rating guidelines
Production Year: 2004 - Action/Adventure - Director: Jon Turteltaub - Original Language: English - Classification: Parental Guidance - Starring:Justin Bartha, Sean Bean, Jon Voight, Nicolas Cage, Diane Kruger
Production Year: 2002 - Action/Adventure - Director: Vincenzo Natali - Original Language: English - Classification: 15 years and over - Starring:Lucy Liu, David Hewlett, Anne Marie Scheffler, Joseph Scoren, Matthew Sharp, Jeremy Northam
Production Year: 1964 - Action/Adventure - Director: Cyril Endfield - Original Language: English - Classification: Parental Guidance - Starring:Stanley Baker, Jack Hawkins, Ulla Jacobsson, James Booth, Michael Caine, Nigel Green
lol..so I guess you won't be watching Tomb Raider II?
Great op, I agree with you on he lips....she swears they are 'real'....ok but real what?! take care:)
Neolad2020r 01.03.2003 01:06
It doesn't matter what the story is about all us men want is a scantily clad big breasted woman who can rumble with the best of em.Good op welcome home:)lenny
Angelina Jolie is the first and best reason to watchLara Croft Tomb Raider. She gives an ... more
extraordinarily committed, physically demanding performance, taking on the mantle of the video game heroine with real conviction and energy, and becoming the embod...
Postage & Packaging: £1.21 Availability: Usually dispatched within 1-2 business days...
Angelina Jolie is the first and best reason to watchLara Croft Tomb Raider. She gives an ... more
extraordinarily committed, physically demanding performance, taking on the mantle of the video game heroine with real conviction and energy, and becoming the embod...
Postage & Packaging: Free! Availability: Usually dispatched within 24 hours...
Lara Croft, the world's most famous video-game heroine, bursts onto the big screen in .. ... more
the most stylish and entertaining action-adventure movie in years!Exploring lost empires, finding priceless treasures, punishing villains in mortal combat.. it's a...
Advantages: Lara with true flesh. Don't have to "finish the game" to see how the story ends. Disadvantages: Lara's already existing biography has not been kept!
Advantages: Angelina Jolie, Angelina Jolie, Angelina Jolie. Oh, and some excellent action sequencies Disadvantages: No underwater swimming scenes, like in the game
![Lara Croft Tomb Raider -- Special Collector's Edition [DVD] [2001]](http://picnicb.ciao.com/uk/78528045.jpg "Lara Croft Tomb Raider -- Special Collector's Edition [DVD] [2001]")
Jun 23rd, 2002
(Feb 25th, 2003)
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