Come on, now, you can't possibly have an opinion about 'Lara Croft Tomb Raider' without plenty of references to the enormous mammarial attributes of the oddly gifted Angeline Jolie. All the reviews, all the interviews, all the features have centred almost exclusively on the massive mounds which Ms Jolie thrusts fearlessly before her like two all conquering armies, intent on capturing the vast Asian wastes. Indeed, for the faintly obsessed amongst you, this film is unlikely to leave you wanting for in truth the bosom of the divine Angeline is the new star of cinema.
The section when her and the army of the Illuminati march shamelessly across the frozen wastes is particularly buttock clenching - Ms Jolie wears an unforgiving anorak-like overcoat which nevertheless thrusts the gazungas that ate Hollywood before them, avariciously flattening the resistance of every man jack amongst them.
However, one mystery does remain in this whole soft core extravaganza. Not once, even when in a freezing shower or when soaked to the skin from an immersion in the falls or in the biting sub zero temperatures do you see even the merest, faintest hint of a nipple - in fact the tautly stretched T shirts which are the adventurer's habitual and preferred garb just billow like a full sail across her enormous chest.
In short, Angeline's breasts just protude in front of her, like enormous hydrogen bombs, totally fearsome, but never actually doing anything or ever to be used. They just ARE, in an enormously scary way - like twin, invincible, deathly guardians of the tombs which Lady Lara Croft so gleefully raids.
Okay, chest references over, it's safe to come out of the wardrobe...
Most of the write ups I've seen of 'Lara Croft Tomb Raider' have slated it as dire fare, with little to commend it. Now, sure it's pretty damn escapist stuff in the old fashioned sense of the genre, but unbelievably (whisper, who dares) the long awaited cinema version of the Eidos video game is actually QUITE GOOD.
Miss Jolie (whose lips are apparently as pumped up and fierce as her top half) gives an extremely energetic, yet ice cool performance as the English aristocrat who delights in the sort of things that Indian Jones used to revel in - Jolie's real life father Jon Voight is suitably enigmatic as her screen dad - the special effects are gorgeous - the story is racy and action packed - and you even get believable, stone monsters which come to life.
In fact, the only dubious thing about the whole piece is the contribution of Chris Barrie. As Rimmer and Gordon Brittas, Barrie has double stereotyped himself forever as the most despicable caricature on British TV and his attempt to come over as wry, cynical British butler and side kick here is just plain grating, and Lara's wacky scientist pal is nothing on Bond's Q and should see a dentist pronto.
The story is pure hokum of course and owes a lot to the Indiana Jones series, but it nevertheless carries us through to an explosive finale with some elan. The fight scenes are spectacular and the baddie is very, very bad. There isn't enough time to work on the characterisations, unfortunately, but you don't want earnest philosophising in something like this, you just want kick ass action and Jolie in her flimsy pyjamas manages to boot some wild butt.
It's been a runaway success and has certainly packed the audiences in everywhere it's gone and is one of the first cinema versions of a video game to really cut it as something to be desired on the big screen - remember the Super Mario Brothers and all those other bizarre excursions? Well, fear not, 'Lara Croft Tomb Raider' beats the hell out of all them and actually functions well. I doubt if it'll transfer too well to the small screen, so I'd recommend you catch it in the big screen environment, its true medium and get ready for lots of noise and light.
Oh yes, and enormous fleshy weapons of war....
How helpful would this review be to a person making a buying decision? Rating guidelines
(+) Fast pacy spy adventure, with great music and some equally great stunts. (-) Stunts a bit far fetched - but you expect that with this sort of film.
Production Year: 2002 - Action/Adventure - Director: Vincenzo Natali - Original Language: English - Classification: 15 years and over - Starring:Lucy Liu, David Hewlett, Anne Marie Scheffler, Joseph Scoren, Matthew Sharp, Jeremy Northam
Production Year: 2004 - Action/Adventure - Director: Jon Turteltaub - Original Language: English - Classification: Parental Guidance - Starring:Justin Bartha, Sean Bean, Jon Voight, Nicolas Cage, Diane Kruger
Production Year: 1964 - Action/Adventure - Director: Cyril Endfield - Original Language: English - Classification: Parental Guidance - Starring:Stanley Baker, Jack Hawkins, Ulla Jacobsson, James Booth, Michael Caine, Nigel Green
Production Year: 1996 - Action/Adventure - Director: Tom Clegg - Original Language: English - Classification: 12 years and over - Starring:Daragh O'Malley, Oliver Cotton, Jason Durr, Sean Bean, Allie Byrne
Well done, a good read. I am sure that a British actress could have been found to play the part. Ok, Miss AJ is pretty and talented but few Americans make good Brits.
I can think of at least one stunning English lass who could have played the part.
offy 10.08.2001 01:06
Not my sort of film I'm afraid, but maybe I'm just jealous of her boobs! Congratulations on a very male opinion.
LostWitness 08.08.2001 18:30
Another very funny opinion Dave - the amount of opinions that I've read about Lara's boobies is amazing. (I just noticed how many opinions you've written as well - YOIKES!) :O)
Angelina Jolie is the first and best reason to watchLara Croft Tomb Raider. She gives an ... more
extraordinarily committed, physically demanding performance, taking on the mantle of the video game heroine with real conviction and energy, and becoming the embod...
Postage & Packaging: £1.21 Availability: Usually dispatched within 1-2 business days...
Lara Croft, the world's most famous video-game heroine, bursts onto the big screen in .. ... more
the most stylish and entertaining action-adventure movie in years!Exploring lost empires, finding priceless treasures, punishing villains in mortal combat.. it's a...
Angelina Jolie is the first and best reason to watchLara Croft Tomb Raider. She gives an ... more
extraordinarily committed, physically demanding performance, taking on the mantle of the video game heroine with real conviction and energy, and becoming the embod...
Postage & Packaging: Free! Availability: Usually dispatched within 24 hours...
Exploring lost empires finding priceless treasures punishing villains in mortal combat: ... more
it's all in a day's work for adventurer Lara Croft (Angelina Jolie). A secret from her father's (Jon Voight) past is about to lead Lara to her greatest challeng...
Postage & Packaging: £0.00 Availability: 3-5 working days
Advantages: Angelina Jolie, Angelina Jolie, Angelina Jolie. Oh, and some excellent action sequencies Disadvantages: No underwater swimming scenes, like in the game
Advantages: Angelina Jolie, Angelina Jolie, Angelina Jolie. Oh, and some excellent action sequencies Disadvantages: No underwater swimming scenes, like in the game
![Lara Croft Tomb Raider -- Special Collector's Edition [DVD] [2001]](http://picnicb.ciao.com/uk/78528045.jpg "Lara Croft Tomb Raider -- Special Collector's Edition [DVD] [2001]")
Aug 7th, 2001
very helpful by (100%):
