King Solomon's Mines (DVD)

...poorly done they are. In King Solomon's Mines, they are laughable, which really gives this film its charm. In one scene, Quatermain is hanging onto the back of a train, holding himself steady with his legs on the rails - now forgive me if I'm wrong, but he's sliding on a very plastic surface there. Another example, adding in old footage of elephants and African wildlife that was so obviously taken with another camera perhaps years before.
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...Rhys-Davies and Herbert Lom to King Solomon's Mines.

With special effects that make you weep - fake fire has always made me cry...with laughter.

I would like to say that Richard Chamberlain fans should see this, and just for the hell of it, I think you should. Don't get me wrong, Chamberlain has done some good stuff - The Last Wave and The Three Musketeers are examples. Just don't see the sequel - Allan Quatermain and ... more

Cast:
Richard Chamberlain as Allan Quatermain
Sharon Stone as Jesse Huston
Herbert Lom as Colonel Bockner
John Rhys-Davies as Dogati

The cast sounds impressive - there's certainly talent there. So why haven't you heard of this film? Other than being the most blatant rip-off of Indiana Jones, you'd get a better Allan Quatermain if you watched Sean Connery hamming it in the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen - and that's saying a lot.

It's not fair, though, to say that this is a rip-off of Indiana Jones because at least this is based on an old adventure story. Indiana was the concoction of George Lucas, and God knows what goes around in HIS head. Well, he has got the talent of a peeled banana, due to directing Star Wars and leaving its two (better) sequels to other directors. Then he went back to make the prequels himself, and oh hasn't he done a bad job.

Anyway, if you go back to Raiders of the Lost Ark and really look at the action scenes, you can see how poorly done they are. In King Solomon's Mines, they are laughable, which really gives this film its charm. In one scene, Quatermain is hanging onto the back of a train, holding himself steady with his legs on the rails - now forgive me if I'm wrong, but he's sliding on a very plastic surface there. Another example, adding in old footage of elephants and African wildlife that was so obviously taken with another camera perhaps years before.

To be fair, this is a comedy, at least I hope it is. Sharon Stone is at her worst in this film, given some of the worst screams and dialogue known to Hollywood. One scene comes to mind where Chamberlain & Stone are just about to be eaten by cannibals. Thrown into a giant pot with lots of vegetables, Chamberlain delves down to the bottom and reappears, saying, "I think I've found something!" Stone replies, "Is it a door?!" Chamberlain then rocks the pot back and forth until it tips over and they escape by rolling down the hill.

Herbert Lom is probably best known for Inspector Clouseau's superior in the Pink Panther films. He was also in the original 'Ladykillers' with Alec Guinness. Here, he looks awful - always sweating and panting, and at one point held at a knife edge by John Rhys-Davies who wants him to swallow diamonds. Rhys-Davies is best known for being the Professor in the TV show 'Sliders', or Gimli in 'The Lord of the Rings'. Here he is some sort of a Arabian with the best line in the whole film - "I will cut out your eye and crush it underfoot like a grape. I will do this to every part of your body until there is a stump left!"

Which brings me to Allan Quatermain. He does his best Harrison Ford impression and we haven't seen him as bad as this since he fell off of 'The Towering Inferno' or does the best death scene ever in 'The Swarm'. Rather than looking the adventurous type, he seems to have walked onto set from a fancy dress party.

And I've forgotten the plot. Well it's quite simple really. Allan Quatermain is convinced by Sharon Stone to go into the African jungle to search for her missing father. Several decapitated heads and large cooking pots later they are chased by John Rhys-Davies and Herbert Lom to King Solomon's Mines.

With special effects that make you weep - fake fire has always made me cry...with laughter.

I would like to say that Richard Chamberlain fans should see this, and just for the hell of it, I think you should. Don't get me wrong, Chamberlain has done some good stuff - The Last Wave and The Three Musketeers are examples. Just don't see the sequel - Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold. No Herbert Lom or John Rhys-Davies with even less funny bits. Avoid. 

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