I, Robot (DVD)

...can I have one, can I, can I please?' 'Yes Johnny, in fact I've just replaced your father with one'… Like lambs to the slaughter they bleat their trusting delight as these supposedly benevolent automatons begin to fill every house, even Spooner's dear old mother has gotten herself one which she fortuitously 'won' on the lottery (one can't help but suspect a little rigging by the scriptwriter here). This is all a bit much for Spooner, but his mother ...
...new metallic helpers…
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'Embrace them my ass!'
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Well, before long Spooner finds himself doing just that, well, it's more like a wrestle than an embrace as he struggles to free himself from a small army of AWOL NS5's who woke up one morning and thought '"Three rules my robotic-ass"' and try to take him out. Oh and their eyes turn red.. see, I told you so.
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Well, Spooner survives but no one believes ... more

The future is here (in just 20 years!)

The year is 2035, and despite only being 30 years into the future, downtown Chicago is unrecognizable, glimmering with all manor of brand spanking new technology and that holy grail of futuristic sci-fi, the automated freeway. (It's hard to see quite how such an immense technological leap has been achieved, considering that downtown Chicago probably looks worse now than it did 30 years ago - but I chose to leave my disbelief securely suspended before I started watching this film). Everywhere you look there are robots aplenty, bobbing about doing jobs that 'humans used to do' in an ungainly yet characteristically robo-camp way (in later years will the robot community revere C-3PO in the same way that the gay community of today reveres Shirley Bassey?). The streets are full of these titanium helpers, doing chores and running errands like some sort of cyber-caste of servile and unwaveringly polite citizens. Where did they all come from? Why are there so many of them, and ooh, aren't they a bit dangerous?
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Well, the answer to the first question lies with the newest, shiniest and biggest of Chicago's skyscrapers, the fancy corporate headquarters of U. S. Robotics. And when I say big, it makes the John Hancock Centre look like a climbing frame. There's a reason it's so big, U S Robotics makes the most successful robot in the history of robot making and is on the verge of introducing it's new and improved, most human-like model yet, the imaginatively titled 'NS5' (replacing the equally uninspired 'NS4' - can such a large company really have such a poor marketing team?). The new 'NS5' are kind of like what Windows XP was to Windows 2000 - the ultimate solution. And as we all know, Windows XP delivered on every promise, and has never, ever crashed. Ever. So there's no fear that these new robots (like our computers) will contract a virus, go mental and trash everything in the house before shutting themselves down and refusing to reboot. I'll make no further comparison with the good people at Microsoft - I'll let the facts speak for themselves.. Within the next few days just about every household in America will have it's very own NS5 and soon there will be 5 robots to every one human on the planet, or some equally silly statistic designed to press the 'Uh-oh' button in the brains of every viewer.
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But it's ok folks, because this is the future, and robots are good. We must lay aside our naive 20th centaury robotist attitudes and prejudices. We've all been watching far too much Terminator and not reading nearly enough Isaac Asimov (although clearly we're in the same boat as the director on that score). Robots can't harm us because they're designed according to 3 laws which dictate their behavior, in much the same way that this film is designed in accordance with 3 basic laws of script writing which dictate it's plot.
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The three laws of robotics are (pencils out):
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1) A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
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2) A robot must obey orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
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3) A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.
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Clever huh?
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And for those of you who are still interested, the three laws of cliched film making are:
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1) Big corporations run by arrogant CEO's are always, without exception, bad news. The bigger they are, the badder they are. The more they implore you to trust them, the less you should. And, despite the oft-ignored irony that they are actually fulfilling the American dream, they will end up trying to kill 'the little guy' who's rumbled their plans on world domination.
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2) If you're a maverick cop with a disregard for 'the rules' but a nose for the chase who is constantly chastised by your immediate superior.. and you need to solve a case which has both personal and global consequences - get sacked as soon as possible. Whatever you do, make sure you hand in your badge, this is when you are endowed with 'super cop' abilities.
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3) Don't trust robots with red eyes. These are always bad. In fact don't trust most things with red eyes, unless they are the result of a hangover.
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Ok, so the first 3 laws are much cleverer than the second, but Asimov wrote the first three and I wrote the second, and I think on examination mine actually stand up rather well…….
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So it's that simple. Robots can't harm you and can't commit a crime as their innate hardwiring prevents it. (Obviously the person who designed the Coke machine in the lobby of my work didn't have the three laws in mind. That mechanical bugger not only robbed my money but nearly did me serious limb-severing injury as I tried to reach up the dispensing chute to retrieve my disappeared drink - so I could relate quite well to the central character)

"Robots my ass!"

Queue Del Spooner, a tough, macho cop with a penchant for home made pie and a deep loathing of all things robotical. A mysterious character, Spooner (who's name is an anagram of 'Snooper' - not many reviewers know that..) carries a deep mistrust for robots and has been educated in the famous 'My ass' school of reasoning. Ie, his response to the complex theory of robotic behavior would likely be "Complex theory my ass!" .. "three laws my ass!" "Let's have a shower shot of my ass"… etc.
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He's just got divorced, and wants to get 'back on the job' to take his mind off things. But instead of traffic duty (evidently not required in the automated future) his first case is the strange 'suicide' of Alfred Lanning (who's surname is an anagram of 'Analing' - not many people point this out either. With good reason). Lanning was the chief cyberneticist at, you've guessed it, U S Robotics, and was instrumental in the design and development of the new 'NS5's. But one day it just all got a bit much and he decided to hurl himself out of the umpteenth floor of his workshop (through reinforced glass) - making quite a mess of the pristine foyer (a grudge against the cleaners perhaps?). Or did he??? That's the question Spooner wants to know, but brilliant-yet -dim robo-psychologist Dr Calvin is having none of his conspiracy theories as she escorts him round the building. She's the sort of person who believes that the 'Window's help menu' will solve every problem in life and is a staunch believer 'in the 3 laws' - meaning that she includes the phrase in nearly every sentence.
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Well, as if all this wasn't exciting enough, out pops 'Sonny' like a veritable robotic jack in the box and throws everything into contention. Sonny is an NS5 with a difference. He has blue eyes for one. He also has a name, and has dreams and questions his own identity, all in a very unrobot-like way. Although he looks like an average NS5 he sure as hell don't act like one, and even displays an ability to over ride the 3 laws. Dr Calvin is shocked, Spooner is convinced he's found the killer and Mr. Bigwig, CEO of U S Robotics says, with predictable callousness, "terminate him". Oooh the big meany.
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Before long the brighter members of the audience are beginning to suspect that there's something awfully fishy about these 'NS5' robots who are beginning to line the streets in a disturbingly military fashion. But the good citizens of Chicago are lapping it up.. 'Oh Mommy, look at all the shiny robots, can I have one, can I, can I please?' 'Yes Johnny, in fact I've just replaced your father with one'… Like lambs to the slaughter they bleat their trusting delight as these supposedly benevolent automatons begin to fill every house, even Spooner's dear old mother has gotten herself one which she fortuitously 'won' on the lottery (one can't help but suspect a little rigging by the scriptwriter here). This is all a bit much for Spooner, but his mother dismisses his irrational fears and encourages him to embrace these new metallic helpers…
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'Embrace them my ass!'
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Well, before long Spooner finds himself doing just that, well, it's more like a wrestle than an embrace as he struggles to free himself from a small army of AWOL NS5's who woke up one morning and thought '"Three rules my robotic-ass"' and try to take him out. Oh and their eyes turn red.. see, I told you so.
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Well, Spooner survives but no one believes his story and his fellow cops simply suspect that he's suffering from some kind of Freudian android-envy and his chief decides it's time he took 'a bit of break'. I could feel myself physically cringe when he uttered the immortal line 'Gimmi your badge Spooner'… but I knew that now we'd finally reached the point of no return, someone was about to get there metallic ass well and truly kicked.

He aint heavy.. he's my robot

And so unfolds what is actually a very good film (within it's genre) with plenty of decent action scenes, suspense and twists, some believable human-robot interaction, and the occasional, yet often funny, one-liners. Add to this the near flawless CGI animation of the robots (all but the laws of physics which they seem to display no regard for) and you've got a good old blockbuster sci-fi action romp on your hands.
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Will Smith produces, bringing with him some of the sheer playfulness of films like Independence Day and Bad Boys, and his acting brings enough humour to his techno-phobic character as to not let him become overly serious. And this works to the films advantage, making a refreshing change from the over serious earnestness evident in Reeves in the latter two Matrix and Cruise in Minority Report. Had the film taken itself too seriously it would have failed on many levels, but keeping a lighter tone allowed the audience to enjoy the ride and maintain their suspended disbelief for just long enough. It's harder to pick holes in something when you're really enjoying yourself.
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And that's not to say that it's particularly shallow either, there are some very interesting concepts going on the background, issues regarding the nature of free will, predestination, and the limits of artificial intelligence are all bubbling under the surface of a brewing technological armageddon. But because they're never the films central focus, we don't ask too much of them and the various inconsistencies and continuity errors don't distract us from our enjoyment. Actually most of the 'depth' comes from Sonny who possesses a childlike charm which makes his 'naive yet insightful' observations about human nature a little more easy to swallow - compared to the patronizing 'baking and philosophy' life lessons series spouted by the waffling old 'Oracle' in the Matrix.
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And, as most people will agree, Sonny really is the star of the film. Played by a real actor (Alan Tudyk) and using the same technology used to create Gollum in Lord of the Rings, Sonny is an excellent addition to the cast, managing to remain intriguing without becoming irritating and providing a sturdy prop on which to hang the films plot., which, maintains a good balance of predictability and unpredictability - like you need in life.
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Ctrl+Alt Delete

Now all that's not to say that the film isn't without it's faults. One of the main ones being the shockingly blatant product placement which assaults you from the opening scene. Audi, Converse, JVC, FedEx all get some major screen time in an act of shameless self promotion reminiscent of the scene in Wayne's World. Even Sony get there robotic dog AIBO on display in a shop window. Audi designed a new concept car just for the film, and every car seen in the film is actually an Audi. And I don't know how much Will Smith was paid to talk about his pair of 'Vintage 2004 Converse' sneakers, but it better have been a hell of a lot to keep his conscience quiet at night. In the end it was so barefaced that it almost became laughable, but it is a worrying trend that look set to turn all mainstream Hollywood movies into extended commercials for major US products.
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Other than that the peripheral characters really weren't up to much, and Dr Calvin (Bridget Moynahan) was played with almost endearing woodenness for the first half of the film, before she loosens up a little and lets rip with a sub machine gun. It's nice to see that despite obvious romantic undertones the relationship between Spooner and Dr Calvin stays fairly functional for the majority of the film, and that the director didn't feel the need to bore us with an insipid sex scene to simply prove 'there's something between them'.
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The rest of the supporting cast are average, although Spooner enjoys some wickedly irreverent banter with U S Robotics boss Lawrence Robertson, and I think the film actually benefits from not trying to pad out it's background characters too much or fill the screen with too many people at once. However that's not an excuse for lazy type-casting and I hope that the inevitable sequels are able to bring the acting up to the level of the effects.
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Also on my 'irks and quirks list' was the all important central computer system, nicknamed V.I.K.I (an acronym for something clever which I can't remember). She's sort of like HAL's little sister, all grown up and twice as menacing. And for those C4 comedy fans fans in the crowd I couldn't help thinking that she drew more than a passing resemblance to HOLLY of Red Dwarf fame. She was predictably patronizing and smug in a kind of omnipotent way, and for me she just lacked any real inventiveness or creativeness. It's been done before, and better, and whereas Sonny improved on 'robot-human' interaction scale, VIKI did nothing for me, other than make me want to pull the plug.
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Log off

Overall though this was a thoroughly enjoyable way to spend a few hours of semi-mindless entertainment. The key to directing a good blockbuster is to know your audience and know your limits. 'I, Robot' doesn't try to be anything it's not, and by keeping it's ambition in perspective I'm prepared to forgive it all manner of errors. Those reviewers who slated it, tended to be Asimov purists who shrunk back in horror at the mere sight of the words 'Will Smith' and 'Isaac Asimov' on the same film poster. I imagine that most of them had already made up there minds long before they entered the theatre. This film could be called 'Asimov for dummies' and I'd be fine with that, because I count myself as a 'dummie' on the Asimov scale of things and quite honestly I don't have the time to read the entire back catalogue and so am open to a little lighthearted 'interpretation' courtesy of the 'Asimov my ass' school of film making.
 

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