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Member since:08.03.2001
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Titanic has a lot to answer for. Celine Dion’s heartless warbling. That much-aped “flying” scene. Cameron’s Simpsons-rip-off Oscar speech. Most of all, it has assisted in the creation of many a water-based movie, thanks to the construction of its huge watery set. I’m unsure if Ghost Ship used this wet-o-rama, but if they did, I’m resting part of the blame firmly on the hairy shoulders of the aforementioned bearded one.
Well, I can’t make a lot of unfair blame-stabs, so let me aim my dagger at the true culprits – Dark Castle Entertainment. Yes folks, the people what brung you The House On Haunted Hill and Thirteen Ghosts just don’t learn. Or maybe it’s chumps like me who don’t learn – seeing as I always think, “well…it can’t be as bad as the last one…”
Before you go any further, gentle reader, I must disclaim myself by stating that I get a bit graphic later in this opinion, so if mine words could offend thee, get the pluck out.
***THE PLOT***
Something years ago (probably 40, I can’t recall), a plot device lead to the deaths of lots of passengers aboard ocean liner ‘The Antiona Graza’. Now, something years later, a crew of hot-headed marine salvage agents are offered the chance by Mr Obvious Bad Guy to located and – yes! – salvage the old boat. Ship. Whatever.
WHO COULD HAVE IMAGINED, that when they board the wrecked vessel, spookiness ensues? It now boils down to who out of the nondescript characters will survive – and can the feisty heroine POSSIBLY come away unscathed?
***STEERAGE***
Hollywood leg-end/provocateur William Goldman once made the point that directors often get the credit for a movie when it is in fact the writer who provides the larger part of the creative input. Well, the writer is not beyond reproach for this crumminess, but I’ll eat my neck off if director Steve Beck didn’t get a slap round the legs for this. You may remember Mr Beck’s previous outing – Thirteen Ghosts. The movie that thought VERY LOUD THINGS were the best way to induce scares. The movie shone only through its production design.
Did
Mr Beck learn from his previous caterwauling caterpillar’s anus of a movie? Nope. This is the same bucket o’ style over content. The fantastic opening sequence recreates the lavish mood and opulence of a luxury cruise, and has a fantastically gory climax – which owes a nod to small indie sci-fi flick ‘Cube’. Even here, though, Beck is unable to reign in his precious (read: irritating) flash-cut technique, where the camera suddenly speeds up to pan past something, then slows once more.
With the exception of some nice flourishes from time to time, the direction is far too busy. The constantly moving camera adds interest at times – but for the most it is too hyperactive. As such, any potentially interesting performances are lost amongst the “don’t spend more than 5 seconds on a shot” modus operandi.
***BILGE TANK***
Speaking of not spending long on things, there is barely any room for character development here. This becomes irritating when – as usual – you are meant to care about the characters. Let’s take a brief glimpse at them, shall we? And yeah., I don’t know the character names – but never mind, if you need to know ‘em so bad, take a look on IMDB.com. It barely matters. They’re just clichés…
The Captain – he knows a lot about the sea, and loves his crew. He also loves salvaging things.
The Feisty Female – she takes no isht (anagram) from anyone!
The Boat Steering Guy – obviously doomed as we hardly ever see him, and he listens to rock music.
The Family Guy – he has a wife but he’s horny out on the sea! The constant rocking of the boat must give him ‘transit wood’!
The Wisecracker – he has a beard! He makes jokes! DEAD!
The Guy Who Fancies The Girl But Won’t Say It – ah….come on! Will he get his chance? Who knows!?@# Also looks a bit like a Blue Peter presenter.
The Mysterious Stranger – COULD HE POSSIBLY BE THE PERSON WHO SET THIS ALL UP?
The plot is a mish-mash of lots of other movies. Or so it seems. Thing is, it’s easy to say that – there are now so many movies, and so there are bound to be occasional moments of similarity. But it still rings true – and it still bothers me. The buddy-buddy crew will always remind me of the camaraderie of the marines in Aliens. The movies also smacked of its forerunner, The House On Haunted Hill – in both tone (there are ghosts!) and the one-by-one picking off of the characters based on their character flaws.
Of course, the boat steering guy has to die (in more or less the same way as in Deep Rising) so the characters are forced to find an alternative means of escape. There is then “World War Movie Syndrome”, where anyone who mentions having anything of value to go back to once they “get off this stinkin’ wreck” (or “once this war is over…”) is automatically on the list to become a professional poppy-pusher-upper.
There is no tragedy in watching these characters die. They are unsympathetic, greedy people. As such, I was just waiting to see what the next death would involve. This would be fine in a hokey B-movie, but the actors leave their tongues firmly in the centres of their mouths for the duration. You cannot take anyone seriously when they are watching thousands of blue CGI ghosts form a spiral in the sky and drift up to heaven! NOT EVEN…ANYONE!
***MESS HALL***
Oh, there are a lot of messes – well, deaths. The intro to Ghost Ship doesn’t rival the car-smash spectacle of Final Destination 2, but it comes close. Limbs, torsos, entrails – all yer gory favourites.
Thing is, this is much like masturbating more than once in a day. Each subsequent time is less rewarding and painful to endure. At the stage when only air comes out, you are forced to re-evaluate your priorities. Now ladies, you may not be able to relater. So I would instead offer this metaphor forth – constant receiving of oral sex. I have my sources and they indicate that whilst prolonged “action” may be pleasant at first, it has the tendency to become irritating and sometimes sore.
And so we come to the main death sequences – hell, let’s continue the wanky allusions and call them ‘le petit morts’. Maybe the director felt he blew his wad too soon, but the deaths are absolutely pathetic – and mostly happen off-screen. One exception is the inevitable explosion, but that is a stock and trade steal from the sequence in Con Air when Cyrus’ prison cell is raided. The only other showstopper is the nasty offing of the Spanish songstrel from the introduction, whose death is seen in flashback, and is guaranteed to make you go “eeuuurggh!”
***FORE AN’ DAFT***
My final rant concerns the absolute nonsensery that pervades the movie. On the discovery of some crates, the feisty female kicks open a CLOSED CHEST WITH LOTS OF HEAVY BAGS ON IT to find lots of rats inside on top of lots of gold bars. How and why did they get in there? To eat the gold? Anyway, she then rallies the whole team back to look at the ingots. They prise the lid off the SAME CHEST with a friggin’ crowbar! Which is suddenly PADLOCKED! And it’s ratless! This happens in the space of 3 minutes – did the makers even watch the movie back before releasing it? GNNNNN!!! It makes my ass bleed!
Next point - the ghost of the little girl who appears to warn the crew. The feisty female only ever sees her. OBVIOUSLY – this means that (a) the men can discredit her for being feisty and therefore obviously a bit MAD, and (b) she can relate to the little girl because they are both female, and her maternal instincts can be projected. Just like they are onto the crew! It makes SO MUCH sense!
Then there is the plot device that is not even SUBTLY pertained to in ONE SINGLE FRAME until it actually occurs. You see, the suspicious stranger (who disappears for most of the movie after the gold is found) is harvesting souls for some reason – probably evil, you know how it goes – which is fine. You suspect him for the event in the intro sequence. But there is also some very-quickly-skirted-over massacre of EVERY SINGLE PASSENGER by some gang in order to steal the gold on board. Did he engineer this to get the souls? It’s never explained.
This “key moment” is viewed as a flashback which plays for around 4 or 5 minutes, with a terrible sub-Linkin-Park talky-rap pop-rock song played over it, which both ruins any atmosphere that the movie may have had before, and also is FILLED with whip-pan, jump cut, quick/slow camera moves that are very VERY annoying.
***DOCK THIS FOR A LARK***
For all the nits that I have picked, this could be counted in the new wave of B-movies. It’s perhaps too early to see it as a hokey, classic piece of trash due to the fact that there are some B-list actors in it. Sure, there are flaws, but there are flaws with the crappy movies that I love to bits. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t watch them again. The imperfections become charming quirks, and repeated watchings make me appreciate it for what it is – brainless fun. And yes, the deaths of the main characters are uninspired, but it’s not so dreadful that it makes me want to rub sugar into my eyes and then shove my face into an anthill.
Oh, but the denouement is balls. Cheesy balls. And the VERY ending is inexplicable.
Try this if you liked Thirteen Ghosts, and may the creator have mercy on your everlasting soul as you turn into blue mist and float into the sky.
QUESTIONS RAISED BY THIS MOVIE:
o What man would try to have sex with a ghost? o Why would you try eating food from a can that is over 40 years old? o Why would you act shocked when that food turned into maggots? o Why can only some benevolent ghosts touch things? o Is it EVER a good time to let someone you have loved from afar know how you feel? o How is it possible to swim away from a several-hundred-tonne sinking ship when you are only a few yards away from it? o Are freed spirits really light blue?
Production Year: 2000 - Horror - Director: Keenen Ivory Wayans - Original Language: English - Classification: 18 years and over - Starring: Carmen Electra, Anna Faris, Kurt Fuller, James Van Der Beek, Keenen Ivory Wayans
This would be worthy of an E, but I get the feeling there were some accidental spoilers there, along with some over-the-top risque metaphors. Never the less, the spoilers do appear to be accidental, so have VH
In a remote region of the Bering Sea a boat salvage crew discovers the eerie remains of a ... more
grand passenger liner thought lost for more than 40 years. Once onboard the crew must confront the ship's horrific past and face the ultimate fight for their li...
Postage & Packaging: £0.00 Availability: 3-5 working days
A routine salvage operation turns into a hellish nightmare for Murphy (Gabriel Byrne) and ... more
his crew (Julianna Marguilies, Ron Eldard and Isaiah Washington). Shockingly gory and chilling events unfold on board an abandoned luxury liner as the team come f...
Advantages: You can laugh at your 'I'll look after you' boyfriend when he jumps at the first sign of anything gruesome. Disadvantages: Its winter, they're in Arctic waters, they're in the middle of the ocean, yet this silly girl seems happy waltzing around in a little t-shirt rather than a jumper. Hmm.
J4M1721 04.02.2004 (25.06.2004)
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Review of Ghost Ship (DVD)
![Ghost Ship [DVD] [2003]](http://picnica.ciao.com/uk/78520998.jpg "Ghost Ship [DVD] [2003]")
May 21st, 2004
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