Everyone Says I Love You (DVD)

...the whole thing a musical! Everyone has to sing but me, even though they can't - wouldn't that be great?

Sounds like a smash, Mr Allen.

Now let's see, who do I want to sing? How about Drew Barrymore? Yes! And even better, how about Tim Roth? Cast him as a tough-as-nails escaped convict, then get him to do a big song-and-dance routine to seduce Drew.

I'm sure he'll be only too happy, Mr Allen.

...Just Cares For Me, badly, in a jewellery store

I'll get on the phone to his agent, Mr Allen.


And so on.... Well, you get the picture. And to be honest, it was only by spotting the loony things Woody was clearly scripting to take the piss that my flat mate and I managed to enjoy this film. It is, as I said at the beginning, a piece of complete nonsense, as acted (and sung - even though none of them can - and danced) ... more

Here you are, a short, unattractive, now rather elderly man who's never made a truly great film in his life, but has somehow acquired the reputation of a legend. All Hollywood wants to be in your movies. Beautiful film stars are queueing up to play your love interest, despite being nearly a foot taller than you. You have but to mention a new idea for a film, and the finance comes flooding in. Given all this, it would be hardly surprising if you wanted to know just how far you could go. Just how ridiculous can your movie ideas be? How many ludicrous things can you ask your cast to do before they say no? Just what, in short, will you be allowed to get away with?

Now, I am not Woody Allen (sorry to disappoint, and all that) but I reckon that if this movie is anything to go by, he's been having similar thoughts. It is, to be frank, quite the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen, and not to mention one of the most self-indulgent. There's no danger of me putting spoilers in this review, because it wouldn't actually be possible: the only spoiler is that there's no plot to spoil. The characters in this film come, just for a change, from a slightly neurotic, wealthy New York family. ALso just for a change, Woody himself plays a slightly neurotic, ageing Jewish New Yorker novelist now living in Paris who's constantly bemoaning his lack of a girlfriend. Fortunately for Woody, this is his movie and he can solve that problem quite easily. I can just see him sitting at his computer, pausing to think about who he would most like to pull in the world. How about Julia Roberts? Fantastic -he'll rope her in to be his love interest. And where will the affair take place? Well, Venice is rather nice....

While Woody is scripting his fantasies, however, he is also winding up his producers. I can see him just as clearly sitting in a meeting with his producers, coming up with more and more ludicrous suggestions for this film, just to see if they'll ever say no.

How about Goldie Hawn flying around a bridge by night?

Fine, Mr Allen.

Oh, and I want to snog her too.

No problem.

And I also want a big song and dance routine set in a funeral parlour. Involving dead people - ghosts, you have to be able to see through them.

I'm sure that can be arranged, Mr Allen.

Hey, I know - let's make the whole thing a musical! Everyone has to sing but me, even though they can't - wouldn't that be great?

Sounds like a smash, Mr Allen.

Now let's see, who do I want to sing? How about Drew Barrymore? Yes! And even better, how about Tim Roth? Cast him as a tough-as-nails escaped convict, then get him to do a big song-and-dance routine to seduce Drew.

I'm sure he'll be only too happy, Mr Allen.

And I want Edward Norton to sing My Baby Just Cares For Me, badly, in a jewellery store

I'll get on the phone to his agent, Mr Allen.

And so on.... Well, you get the picture. And to be honest, it was only by spotting the loony things Woody was clearly scripting to take the piss that my flat mate and I managed to enjoy this film. It is, as I said at the beginning, a piece of complete nonsense, as acted (and sung - even though none of them can - and danced) by some of the finest names in Hollywood, for reasons that I am at a loss to explain. That interpretation aside, it's not even very funny. What has this man got? I don't understand. He's pulled off the most spectacular Emperor's New Clothes trick in the movie trade ever, and that's saying something. And I have to say, even though I think it's ludicrous, I kinda envy him. TO have that kind of clout and use it to prove a completely post modern point, to write such fluffy rubbish and yet convince le toute Hollywood that it's such high art they'll humiliate themselves for you... well. Hats off to the guy. But I still can't, in all honesty, recommend this movie. 

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