Arnie Schwarzenegger, the Austrian who was formerly a Mr Universe, and has latterly reinvented himself as an astute, naturalised American who intends to run for government, has always been a helpless victim of the stereotyping producer/director/scriptwriter and is famed for his musclebound roles as Arnie Nice But Dim While Still Terribly Powerful.
Much of that dreadful curse was ignited by Mr Muscles' appearance in the title role in the ultimate sword and sorcery epic Conan The Barbarian. It took years for Herr Schwarzkopf to outgrow the fearsome warrior garments to move on to light comedy which he proved himself able to play with a rare panache in stuff like Kindergarten Cop and Twins. He had to go via films such as Running Man, Total Recall and Terminator to get there, of course, but proved with his epic appearance in True Lies that he is at his best when he gets a part which allows him to embrace a combination of action, adventure and laughs.
Strangely, beneath its overly po faced exterior, Conan The Barbarian was just such a flick because even though it had an abundance of braindead muscle flexing, it was so farcical and laughable that it bordered on spoofdom. It wasn't intended to be that way, however, because the film was planned as a straightfaced adaptation of Robert E Howard's stories about the Barbarian warrior which also spawned a Marvel
comic strip some 30 years or so ago. However, you get so many ludicrous moments in this film that you can't possibly take it TOO seriously.
For instance, Arnie consults a witchy woman for a clue as to his quest, and resorts in a bit of making the beast with two backs, only for her to come over frightfully unnecessary, disappear into the fire and go shooting off across the heavens like a blazing comet - just the sort of impact my amorous approaches have on the delightful Mrs D, except she just blows up and gives me a nasty clip round the ear.
Similarly, Our Arn's wide eyed stance when he finds the treasure in the tower of the snake and then plunges his pen knife into the throat of one of the most rubbery looking giant reptiles you have ever seen, also provokes huge yucks rather than a chill in your bones or admiration at his acting range.
Of course, you can enjoy Conan The Barbarian as a glorious, rip roaring action adventure of the old school. There's plenty of thrills here, but I just find it impossible to take seriously and if you enjoy unintentional laughs, you'll have a grand old time.
Check out Arnie when he gets as pissed as a newt at one stage and his helplessly Neanderthal attempts at foreplay, if you want some more clues as to the reasons. Mr Subtle he ain't, even though he showed with True Lies that he could be with the right material. Here, however, he was just a badly paid male prostitute with enormous tits and exceedingly nice hair, parading his abnormally large pecs in a flagrant and gratuitous nod in the direction of the very soft core porn flick.
Or you could try and check out Arnie running through his full range of emotions - quizzical, puzzled, angry, earnest, joyous, saddened, jealous, tired - the odd thing is that they all look the same and you don't even get the Roger Moore raised eyebrow variation to give you a clue...
Or you could meet Arnie's amusing band of supporters, like the sub-Yul Brynner wizard who is rascally but well meaning and has one of the naffest droopy but wispy taches and cases of over acting you are EVER likely to stumble across. Bet he's never been in Macbeth...
Or observe Arnie's wonderful masquerading as a peace loving hippie with a bunch of flowers as he attempts to infiltrate the Snake Cult...Nice robes, Arnold, but watch out for the gayboy Priest who gave you his duds ... you showed him what for (in a completely non homophobic way, of course). Hare Krishna, here we come.
You even get Arnie as a fearsome Jesus Christ when he gets crucified, at least until he bites the vulture's head off...
However, the film is intended to be very serious and kicks off with Arnie as a titchy little weakling kid who sees his entire race wiped out by a bunch of horsemen in very big hats with enormous horns and the symbol of the two snakes wrapped around each other. It even boasts a cameo appearance by such an eminent ACTOR as Max von Sydow as an elderly King whose daughter has been seduced by the cult of the snake - The Moonies they ain't and their flat nosed leader (played by James Earl Jones) has one of the naffest pudding bowl mullets you are ever likely to see anywhere. Still it's better than being the voice of The Lion King's Dad in Disney's sentimental rubbish about the Circle of Life and that mushy trash from Elton John - Saturday Night'sAlright For Fighting? More like, Tuesday Night's alright for making vast sums from the kids for peddling blandorama and working with old baldie Collins, but that's one for another day....
Let's not take the rise too much, though, because Conan The Barbarian remains a classic of the genre and is nothing if not the greatest fun. It also never quite plumbed the appalling depths of Red Sonja with Brigitte Nielsen...
Also, Conan is one of those cult things that you find on the net - check out this quote which I found on the website, The Hyborian Age of Conan (http://www.dodgenet.com/~moonblossom/hyborian.htm) "Know, O Prince, that between the years when the oceans drank Atlantis and the gleaming cities, and the rise of the Sons of Aryas, there was an Age undreamed of, when shining kingdoms lay spread across the world like blue mantles beneath the stars - Nemedia, Ophir, Brythunia, Hyperborea, Zamora with its dark-haired women and towers of spider-haunted mystery, Zingara with its chivalry, Koth that bordered the pastoral lands of Shem, Stygia with its shadow-guarded tombs, Hyrkania whose riders wore steel and silk and gold. But the proudest kingdom of the world was Aquilonia, reigning supreme in the dreaming west. Hither came Conan the Cimmerian, black-haired, sullen-eyed, sword in hand, a thief, a reaver, a slayer, with gigantic melancholies and gigantic mirth, to tread the jeweled thrones of the earth under his sandled feet."
Clearly this stuff means more than life or death to some people. The films mean less than zero to them too, so I guess you shouldn’t take Raffaella De Laurentiis’ 1982 film too seriously, even if Oliver Stone helped write the screenplay. However, it is a reasonably enjoyable way of spending a couple of hours...
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Production Year: 1991 - Science Fiction - Director: Wim Wenders - Original Language: English - Classification: 15 years and over - Starring: Jeanne Moreau, Sam Neill, Max Von Sydow, Solveig Dommartin, William Hurt
Production Year: 2007 - Science Fiction - Director: Francis Lawrence - Original Language: English - Classification: 15 years and over - Starring: Alice Braga, Charlie Tahan, Dash Mihok, Will Smith, Salli Richardson, Willow Smith
No offence, but your review seemed to ramble on and on about all kinds of inconsequentialities that prevented me from giving a VH rating... Berli
Manu_Patel 28.10.2001 10:48
Nice comeback op looks like you haven't lost your touch, what do you think of the payment change on ciao and dooyoo but hasn't changed much on dooyoo, Manu_Patel.
HappyBunny 28.10.2001 00:01
Dave you're a star! With all the food ops at the moment I'm glad to read your funny ops on something normal (did I say normal?).
The film that launched Arnold Schwarzenegger's international career,Conan the Barbarianis ... more
still regarded by many as his finest hour. Limited to a mere handful of lines and expertly directed to play up the Nietzschean strength of the character by John M...
Postage & Packaging: Check Site. Availability: Usually dispatched within 1-2 business days...
The film that launched Arnold Schwarzenegger's international career,Conan the Barbarianis ... more
still regarded by many as his finest hour. Limited to a mere handful of lines and expertly directed to play up the Nietzschean strength of the character by John M...
Postage & Packaging: Free! Availability: Usually dispatched within 24 hours...
Arnold Schwarzenegger makes his striking screen debut as the legendary warrior and hero, ... more
Connan the Barbarian. Orphaned by a cold-blooded cult leader (James Earl Jones) and his band of brutal marauders, Connan endures a childhood of merciless slavery o...
Advantages: Quite funny, not too much dialogue, great music score! A stunned Camel! Disadvantages: Atrocious acting, lots of pointless groping!
Gildor_Inglorion 09.09.2005 (31.05.2006)
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Ciao members have rated this review on average: very helpful
Review of Conan The Barbarian (DVD)
Advantages: Non stop action, good excuse for gore and fighting, cheap Disadvantages: Plot is weak, Arnie with long hair?, you will not impress your girlfriend much...
![Conan the Barbarian [1981] [DVD]](http://picnicb.ciao.com/uk/78548813.jpg "Conan the Barbarian [1981] [DVD]")
Oct 27th, 2001
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