Blah, blah, blah - I'm bored and etc. Anybody got a car they want washing?
Blah, blah, blah - I'm bored and etc. Anybody got a car they want washing?
Member since:03.10.2000
Reviews:231
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Oh that fickle mistress that is memory. Twisting the facts to make us believe what she wants us to believe. The 70's? Oh they were a heaven of flare induced happiness. The 80's? Power dressing and folifaxes. None of the nastiness, riots, paisley shirts etc. But what does this have to do with today's subject of review? Well, way back in the dim distant past I was dragged to the cinema to watch the beast known as Armageddon...Quick Scooby, set the way back machine for some years ago...
When a shower of meteorites smacks into the Earth, NASA scientists discover that they are only a precursor for a huge asteroid that will wipe out all life on the planet. What to do? The military favour nuking it but the science bods finally calculate that the only way to stop this baby is to blow it from the inside. There's a crew already in training but the equipment is causing problems. Bring in Harry Stamper, the world's greatest driller, and hey presto he'll get the gremlins out of the machine and our brave boys can jet off to tackle the mother of all rocks. But Harry's not a happy man. The 'experts' lack the skills and experience, so who does that leave? Only Harry and his band of merry men can save the day, so it's on with the spacesuits and off into the wide black yonder...
Made in the spate of meteor-wipes-us-out films released at the end of the 90's Armageddon has acheived a reputation as being the effort with more action but less brain. And boy is that the truth. The story could work and indeed the action side of things could instantly appeal in that no-brainer-after-the-pub kind of way. The problems are not with the
action and indeed the story premise, but rather with what the creators try to ultimately create. Attempting to produce something more than just an action/adventure picture we end up with elements that sit about as comfortably as a hungry fat man outside a cake shop.
Cliche is very much Armageddon's downfall and there are some corkers lurking in this celluloid monster. First and foremost we have a romance. Not just any romance though, a Hollywood romance. Despite the fact that all the characters have families and loved ones, the 'main' romance involves young driller AJ and Grace, who, by lucky coincidence, is Harry's daughter. Harry doesn't like AJ messing with his girl - cue antagonism and instant conflict. This isn't a bad thing and the majority of films manage to handle this well, but Armageddon is obviously not from the film school of subtle. It broadcasts what it's trying to do and ends up feeling clumsy and forced (and indeed it is). Secondly we have 'humanity'. While the Earth is about to be wiped out, what do the people of the world do? They gather around radios and televisions safe in the knowledge that America will save them all (did anyone else spot that the good old US of A totally isolated themselves from the rest of the world, came up with a plan, executed it, and saved everyone else without a single suggestion or offer of help from any other nation?). While this isolation was also handled by Deep Impact, here the creators try to 'excel' themselves and we get images of the Taj Mahal, downtrodden peasants, and all manner of lifeforms lower than Americans.
The characters are all not only stereotypes but morelike cartoon characters. We've seen the traits before and we don't like them. Stamper comes across as the world weary rough diamond trying to juggle business and family problems. AJ, the cocky upshot who does things his own way but you just know will come good in the end (and he does, nearly prompting my good woman to throw the projector out the window - AARRGGHH). Daughter Grace is the wronged youth who's torm between her father and her 'one true love'. The various team members are all the wild and crazy bunch of misfits that is required and they all have their little 'quirks' to endear us all to them. Without a doubt though, the worst example of the problem comes in the form of Russian cosmonaut Lev. Being an American film, the Russian is depicted as being a thuggish idiot perfectly set in his antiquated accident prone space station. Does it make you feel any better for losing the space race Uncle Sam? While not flying in the face of history as much as say U-571, it still grates badly and annoys the hell out of anyone with an IQ in double figures (I'm rounding mine up for anyone who cares to argue)
So the characters are bad, and the sub-plots are bad, so what makes this great? The cast? There's a big name cast list in there and Bruce Willis heads it as the world weary Stamper. But that's what he always plays these days. Very much a subdued John McClane, Willis seems to have no enthusiasm for the film and never generates anything approaching emotion. Liv Tyler does very little except weep and pretend to be an actress, but when she's playing opposite the less than outstanding Affleck then it's hardly a problem. Although the duo share what should be the most emotional scenes in the film, they suffer Willis syndrome and seem to have not a single genuine emotion between them. While Tyler might get away with it, Affleck just annoys the hell out of everyone. The NASA side of things is better handled and Billy Bob Thornton and his team maintain some dignity and sense of realism. Finally we come to Harry's boys, and while they all fit their characters well, they never do anything wonderful with the possible exception of Buscemi. While his sharp wit and awkwardness generate many of the films laughs (in fact most of them) Buscemi's character loses it towards the end and his personna becomes tiresome
Special effects drive so many films these days and Armageddon is filled with CGi this, and CGi that but none of it is really outstanding. Yes they're good but at no point does your jaw drop and drool trickle out. The creators don't seem to think that though and for almost the entire film (sentimental moments aside) we're constantly bombarded with explosions, whizz-bang effects, and monumentally huge scenes. And that's the problem. Strange as it may seem, we do get bored of such a none stop cavalcade of action and by about half way we're thoroughly sick and tired of the bigger is better mentality. If the entire film is a series of wonderful scenes, how can the climax be impressive (and it isn't)?
So the effects and production are ok, the story, cast, and characters are terrible. So why IS it a great film? Well, it isn't. It's insulting to the intelligence and although it may appeal to the 5-pints-of-lager-Ford-Escort-lad types, the rest of us will find it dull and barely watchable.
So why did I watch it again? Well my other half hadn't seen it and we were down to either this or Independence Day. So when Madame Memory popped up and said "You've seen this Neil, good wasn't it?" I believed her. Curse you vile twister of events, stay away from us and don't EVER tell me to watch this again...and that's a good way to end this little review
How helpful would this review be to a person making a buying decision? Rating guidelines
Production Year: 2002 - Action/Adventure - Director: Vincenzo Natali - Original Language: English - Classification: 15 years and over - Starring:Lucy Liu, David Hewlett, Anne Marie Scheffler, Joseph Scoren, Matthew Sharp, Jeremy Northam
Production Year: 1964 - Action/Adventure - Director: Cyril Endfield - Original Language: English - Classification: Parental Guidance - Starring:Stanley Baker, Jack Hawkins, Ulla Jacobsson, James Booth, Michael Caine, Nigel Green
True, there are indeed worse movies than this (M.I:2 springs to mind)- point taken Sir!
Howiemon 23.06.2001 11:44
So why give it 2 stars? This is a one-er, any day of the week! Have you tried 'Meteor'? A crap film, for sure, but infinately more enjoyable than this, and a damn sight shorter too. Great review Neil, CMW beckons..
nitebabe 18.06.2001 14:51
a very well written op! a thought it was quite an entertaining film.....but l am easy to please:o)
When NASA's executive director Dan Truman (Billy Bob Thornton) makes the terrifying ... more
realisation that the Earth has just 18 days before it's obliterated by a meteor the size of Texas he has only one option - land a ragtag team of roughneck oil drille...
Postage & Packaging: £0.00 Availability: 3-5 working days
Advantages: Bang, crash wallop what a picture Disadvantages: The Cheesiest Trailer I've ever seen. Buscemi Deleted scene. girlfriend on the sideline sydrome
Pa8ax 16.11.2009 ·
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Ciao members have rated this review on average: very helpful
Review of Armageddon (DVD)
Jun 15th, 2001
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